Mock the Auto-Announcer game

[pfx]

After a night of heavy drinking and while standing freezing, waiting for a train home at Edinburgh Haymarket, I heard this.

"Scotrail would like to apologise for a further delay to the late running Glasgow Queen Street service. We expect this train to depart Waverly in the next few minutes. Quite frankly, it's the biggest pantomime since Snow White".

Ironic given the amount of snow that was causing all the problems...

 

[Bernard430]

East Midlands Trains, during christams time...

*Dong, Dong, Dong* Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to welcome you aboard this East Midlands Trains service to London St Pancras. Calling at, err, *ruffles of paper* dum de-de dum, erm, they haven't provided me with a sheet with the stations names on, so I think we are stopping at Loughbrourgh, although the platform isn't long enough, Leicester, Luton, that airportcarpark for Luton, and London St Pancras. There might be some other stations like Market, err, Habour, or maybe Habourer, I think. If we do go past you station without stopping, then call our custmer service line on, err, haven't got that one either. It'll probably be engaged with people doing the same as you. Just go online, it might help you even more with contacting us, if you can navigate the website. Please note that we will not be selling free champange in 1st class like the old and much better Midland Mainline did, instead it will be watered down Coffee branded 'Nottinghamshire Fresh Iced Tea'. This will not be served as most of our staff are on strike due to increased service over the Christmas Peroid. We are sorry for passenger having to wait an hour in order to board, cleaners were on strike and our bad timetable meant 1 train every 2 hours. We are also sorry for passenger incovience with what the train looks like, as we haven't had the money to change the livery from the much better looking Midand Mainline to the flower-power East Midlands Train livery, thanks to a poor and terrible service. And, if you'll excuse me, I'm going on strike. We hop you enjoy a hot and horrible journey with East Midlands Trains today. That is if I come back from being on strike.

Well, there's my one.

Cheers,
Bernard

 

[JRT]

"ding" Thank you for writing the Santa Fe Super Chef. Doors will be locked upon arriving at all stations and will be unlocked after the train departs all stations. Also, please remain seated until you show your ticket to a non ticket holder. Thank you again for joining us here a Santa Fe. "ding"

Cheers,
JRT

 

[osq7]

*Ding Dong* This announcement failed to load. Thank you for using CMP. *Ding Dong*

 

[palmer]

thank tou for riding the aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa service. now get off the %$#!@*^ platform b4 we make you!!:hehe:

 

[welsh375]

" attention passengers on platform 2, I am sorry but the 09:30 service to portsmouth harbour is on fire, alternative road transport will replace this service." (a couple of mins later) "attention passengers for the bus replacement service to portsmouth harbour, the replacement bus has now caught fire and so has the following replacement bus, thank you for travelling with first great western today.

 

[palmer]

*bing ding bong* the continuous exploding train on plat 4 wil be coming to this platform in a few mins. we suggest that you get the heck out of here!*bing ding dong*:hehe:

 

[FlyingScottmond]

QR metrotrain: "Platform 4, your train is being hijacked by 12-year olds with guns, please do not evacuate and stay as close to the train as possible while RELIABLE security is shipped in from Adelaide."

 

[captainkman]

Ding-Dong
This is a very special announcement. Please go out to the nearest gaming store and buy the first Train Simulator you see, and make sure it has an Auran logo on it. Oh, and by the way, the 10:18 running express from Knapford to Shining Time left 10 seconds ago. We are not sorry if you have missed it, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN KEEPING TIME!!!!!! The next train to Shining Time will be in an hour and will be stopping at Knapford, Wellsworth, Tidmouth, Vicarstown, Crovan's Gate and Brendam. And will be chased by an evil diesel that will attempt to destroy everyone on board, including the driver and fireman. Please enjoy your trip IF you can, and thank you for travelling with Random Railwayz, which is joint owned by Amtrak, British Rail and Queensland Railways. Qantas and Jetstar staff will be running all the trains from now on. If you know how to drive trains, please teach them, we have neither the time nor money to do it ourselves.

By the way, if you are killed or injured in any way, it is NOT OUR FAULT. We will NOT be paying any hospital fees you may encounter after the trip.

 

[captainkman]

Evil announcer....

*Strange, evil-sounding robotic voice*
The next train will be arriving in 2 minutes and is the special train running from I don't know where to I don't know where, on account of me destroying the map. I do not know when it will be departing either, because I destroyed the timetable. The clock was also destroyed by me a while ago, so I do not know what time it is, so I do not know if the train will be arriving in two minutes either. Also, you must Exterminate the next train you see. If any of the operators of Random Railwayz try to fire me, I will Exterminate them too.
For any complaints call 1300-exterminate-destroy-destroy, but beware, I might destroy you for complaining!

Oh, and who am I
I am a DALEK!
So run away before I exterminate and destroy everyone and take over the world!
Thanks for listening to this announcement.

 

[palmer]

*zing boing*good evening, the driver of the train on platform 4 is currently ordering a deep fried big mac and chips at macdonalds. he may take a while as he is arguing with the counter lady. thankyou for travelling with us

 

[airtime]

Bing ding ding...


LONG PAUSE


Foriegn voice in bad English... We are sorry for the delay of the 10:20 Virgin Service to Liverpool, but I do not start my shift until half an hour from now, and I am refusing to work the extra half hour as I will not be getting paid for it, I do appologise for the delay to this service, and thank you for travelling with Virgin Trains...


I actually heard this announcement earlier this year on Virgin Trains, Later on in the journey around Stafford, the anouncement had came over the tannoy, that they had ran out food, I will never forget my journey with Virgin Trains.

Forget the look of love, it's the look of hunger and tiredness that makes the journey worthwile...:hehe:

Joe Airtime

 

[captainkman]

ding-dong
"Attention all passengers. The First Great Western, which is now called the Last Bad Eastern, is cancelled. The replica of Iron Duke will be replacing this service today. Please prepare for a bumpy ride as the train will ride on the sleepers instead of the rails. On corners, please beware of oncoming trains, since we will not fit past them because the train is too wide. Anyone who wishes to take the bus should remember that it is very old and rusty, with an underpowered engine. Have a good day, and thank you for travelling with Random Railwayz."

 

[jjjme84]

I had a real onboard announcement that made me chuckle when I got on my train at Ashford International one evening earlier this year.
It was a dividing service so we had the usual announcement:-

"This is Ashford International where this train will divide. The front 4 coaches will call at (all stations to Ramsgate via Dover) The rear 4 coaches will call at Wye, Canterbury West, Sturry, Minster and Ramsgate. Please ensure you travel in the correct part of the train. This is coach number 8 of 7"

Obviously the 4 + 3 formation had confused the poor old PIS which is used to a 4 + 4 on the service - even confused me momentarily!

 

[nuni727]

Welcome aboard the Silver Meteor, due to the budget cut for this specific train, the baggage car has been removed so you will now have to leave your luggage on the roof of the train. Thank you and have a great day!

 

[palmer]

zizngzingzoingboing zing)
loooong pause
*drunk man is on intercom*

duh wat dis thing. uhhh oh i kno, its one o those knew talking devices
*sing a stupid song into intercom*
whaen i was a litlle boy.....
*someone short circuts the speaker*

 

[captainkman]

For Sawyer811

*ding-dong*

All passengers waiting for the 10:45 Amtrak service please be aware that your train is being replaced today. *passengers cheering* It will be replaced by The Titfield Thunderbolt, which will ensure a faster service. Also, the house-on-flat-wagon assembly that has been arranged for the carriage will be cleaner than other trains. *passengers still cheering*

1401 herself will be replacing the next MBTA service, and a generic double-chimney 9F will be replacing the Union Pacific's freight service, which will pass through in 10 minutes. *passengers cheering again* Thank you for travelling Random Railways, which owns all the American, British and Australian railway/road companies.

 

[Jacobchgo19]

Bing Bong Bing
Attention all passengers on Platforms 1&2 the dispatchers have a computer virus descriped as Auran Trainz so please evacuate the station to the nearest computer store to by this computer virus. Thank you for Riding with us today. on Amtrak international service.

(What The is that) said a angry passenger whos licking the thirdrail then boom as a TGV runs him over...LOL

 

[PerRock]

while not entirely fitting with the thread...

"Do-do-dooo
We're sorry the Download Station appears to be full. Please try your call again later."

peter

 

[Bhorton]

bing bong
This is the Southeastern Highspead train to St.Pancras International calling at Ashford International, Ebsfleet International, Stratford International and St.Pancras International. All the toilets are clogged, so hold it in or use the window!:hehe: