Things NOT to give the spouse for Christmas

I once gave my (now ex) wife a book on the history of the Land Rover as a Christmas present...

All I got in return was a glare !!

They just can't take a joke.

Mind you I didn't find the new ironing board she got me much to my taste either - a steam press would have been better !!
If I get married, I'm not planning on giving her a scale. I'm not a dog person so I wouldn't have to worry about being in the doghouse, more like on the couch.
Do not install 87' of HO flex track, that runs all around whole perimeter of the living room floor ... even though you bought her 4 Athearn SD60's, and it takes a 36 car freight, 6 minutes to cycle around the entire room, they do not share this joy of yours, especially if model train track gets laid down the day after Thanksgiving, and stays up past April ! Chicken wire mountain tunnels, covered with paper mache` Paster of Paris are never to be installed as living room model RR accessories !

Do not put 5600 flashing Christmas lights on a 4' 8" artificial Christmas tree, they usually do not appreciate a blinding indoor light show display in the living room. Although the "Village People" carpenter guy, the one sporting a hard hat, sweaty 6 pack abs, a ripped open shirt, sporting a fully loaded leather tool belt, jammed full dozens of hand, and power tools, with a swinging hammer clip, and a 25' Sears tape measure, might be a turn on to her ... do not even think of moving in a Craftsman rolling tool chest as a permanent living room accessory.

Just because the Katz continually climb the Christmas tree to the very tippy top, knocking it over 4 times daily ... Do not use the Dewalt cordless drill to drive drywall screws, for permanently mounting the tree stand to her new laminate floor.

If you are a carpenter ... do not get your spouse a gift that you would want for yourself, like a 214 piece Dremmel moto tool wood carving set.

For a 25th wedding anniversary, do not give a Dollar Store "blank inside card", with a sad eyed puppy dawg picture on the cover ... go out and spend $8.99 on a mooshy, wooshy card.

Bad idear's are: Ironing boards, Vaaccuumm cleaners, Mops, Brooms (unless they are a cordless electric broom type, which also will make it quite handy for her to zoom around town on Halloween). Frying pans, and rolling pins, are also bad gifts, as they have very ergonomic handles, that may prove very useful for swinging them at you.

Do not Christmas gift wrap continence remedies sold at Rite Aid ... like "Smooth Move" or "Super Colon Cleanser" laxatives ... they are very distasteful products for under the Christmas twee, as are holiday gift wrapped new toilet seats ... They do not appreciate the sincere thoughtfulness of us giving highly needed gifts !

Never joke, "I bought you a new car" ! ... and instead give her a Matchbox, or Hot Wheels miniature car, with a tiny red bow on it.

These gifts will guarantee you a week of sleeping on the sofa !
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My good lady is getting a truck load of concrete pavers for Christmas (she asked for them) only problem is I have to drive the truck to pick them up - not sure she knows how many pavers will fit on my B double trailer (B train for the guys in the USA)
I am in big, big trouble ... I shopped at Rite Aid, and CVS for 4 weeks straight, every week ... and bought up all the special BOGO deals.

So far she is getting:

40 watt light bubbz

16 cans of nuts (5 foot high, stacked in one big tube of gift wrapping paper)

12 assorted bags of Candy

8 assorted bottles of different flavored salsa

4 bags of Cough Drops

4 box's of Chocolates

4 boxes of microwave poopcorn

4 packs of emery boards

3 bags of Ginger Snap cookies (spice, apple, and lemon)

2 bags of Oreo's

1 tube of Biotene Dry Mouth toofpaste

1 spray bottle of Biotene Dry Mouth spray

1 pack of dental floss (fer' her toof)

1 mooshy wooshy gold glittered Christmas card

An armchair, over the arm, TV remote control organizer, with cup holder (for the couch potato)

For the very warmest of gifts ... Go shopping at Goodwill, and Salvation Army, stores and get her a previously owned, open box gift ... like a used, still dirty from the previous owner, waffle maker

Everyone else is getting pre-loaded gift cards ... I ain't going shopping for gifts that are truly worthless, ones that no one really needs, nor wants.

I could have gone shopping in the women's department, and bought her a bathrobe that is 2 sizes too small, that would only need to be exchanged for the proper size after Christmas ... or could have waited for a short, big girl, to happen along ... and ask her: "You look about her size ... would this fit you" ? (I think I'd get smacked in the store) !
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