My One thousand and Fifteenth Posting

[mezzoprezzo]

.
After two weeks absence, and now playing catch-up, it’s good to see that humour is still alive and well on the Forum.

TMI
Thread closed
AJ

… then, exactly quarter of an hour later (check the times!) …
.

On second thought, I decided to reopen the thread.
Cheers
AJ

I’m guessing that AJ was responding, absolutely precisely (time wise), in line with the proverbial and welcome advice from honest offenders, “I’d give it another 15 minutes if I were you!”

An impressive piece of moderating, impeccably timed, if I may say so.

Cheers
Casper

 

[wholbr]

Hi everybody.
Once again apologies for my delay in replying as the opening poster in this thread. The reason for the foregoing is that I have been once again offering my services in the still ongoing flood relief operation here in Somerset in so much as that although the floods have receded there are now thousands of sandbags still on the ground that where heavily contaminated by the sewage laden floodwaters. With the rising spring temperatures these sandbags have now become a health hazard and so the completely overwhelmed local Councils have once more called for volunteers to assist them in collection of these bags. Therefore I decided to again go forward and earn my state pension and the old heavy goods vehicle driver’s license came out and it was back into action.

Back to topic, Casper, you are quite right in stating that humour is not dead on forum especially in the case of AJ closing the thread and then reopening its 15 minutes later which I also thought was hilarious. However, as someone returning to the forum after a break of nearly four months I find it a rather sad place overall.

The division of the forum into three separate sections in which no one in the highest section seems to wish to speak to the great unwashed masses of the lower section with the great exception of John Citroen is most certainly a bad thing. The foregoing seems to have choked the life out of the forum and could well be choking the interest out of N3Vs prized product “trainz” especially with one of their biggest competitors now also announcing a huge upgrade to their product due for release in November. There certainly seems to be plenty of daily debate and interest on what that upgrade will be in that competitor’s forum which bar for a few posts over the course of any week seems to be very lacking here. I am certainly glad I did not give N3V any of my money.

Anyway with that off my chest, let’s see if we cannot inject some humour once more into the thread. At the risk of pfx and many others never wishing to communicate with me again I have to freely admit that in the course of my voluntary efforts in the Somerset floods I was coerced into shaking the hand of the Prince of Wales and in doing so got my mush on the telly. I have lost count of the number of jokes that have been cracked around me on the subject especially when I visit my old company. However, I am pleading that the smell of all that sewage water weakened my mental coherence and in my reduced state I committed my unforgivable act.

I have also been informed that along with many others from Somerset we are to be invited to a “Buckingham Palace garden party” later in the summer, although after posting this that invitation may well be withdrawn. On second thoughts though, you would not get an invitation like that even if anyone made 40,000 postings on this forum.:hehe:

Bill

 

[4ndylloyd]

......... seat myself upon one of those famous Thomas crapper inventions which is moving at 130 mph and verbally dictate forum posts to my tablet.........

What tablet would that be.....Wind-eze ?? At this point I should mention that I have no affiliation with any pharmaceutical organisation and other products are available which provide fast relief from pain and discomfort of bloating and trapped wind. :hehe:

Regards, Andy

 

[mezzoprezzo]

~snip~ ... the smell of all that sewage water weakened my mental coherence ... ~snip~

Ah, the joys of retirement. You're clearly now just going through the motions!

 

[shaneturner12]

Hi Bill,

In terms of your voluntary work, that's commendable in any sense of the word. Interestingly, I'm also involved in voluntary work, but on a smaller scale for part of a local charity in my home town (Kidderminster).

However, I must comment on the following part of your post:

~snip~
The division of the forum into three separate sections in which no one in the highest section seems to wish to speak to the great unwashed masses of the lower section with the great exception of John Citroen is most certainly a bad thing. The foregoing seems to have choked the life out of the forum and could well be choking the interest out of N3Vs prized product “trainz” especially with one of their biggest competitors now also announcing a huge upgrade to their product due for release in November. There certainly seems to be plenty of daily debate and interest on what that upgrade will be in that competitor’s forum which bar for a few posts over the course of any week seems to be very lacking here. I am certainly glad I did not give N3V any of my money.
~snip~

Bill

The reason I don't comment much on activities at the 'higher level' as you refer to it is partially due to not fully knowing where the limits are in terms of what can be divulged in public (as well as the possibility of rivals getting hold of information they shouldn't get). Perhaps John has a better understanding on what the limits are, although I'm sure he probably has limits on what he can say, although as stated in my last sentence these limits are unknown. I am expecting that certain aspects like early testing are likely to have lower limits on what can be shared though.

Shane

 

[pfx]

Bill, before I get to the heinous crime of associating with the royal family, what competitor are you talking about? I've recently purchased 'the other sim' and find it very enjoyable for driving (though somewhat pricey if I wanted to get third party routes to work). Meantime, I continue to use Trainz to do route building.

Now, the Prince of Wales... Doesn't he own Somerset? Or is it Devon? Or Cornwall? All three? I think I saw his aul yin's house in London someplace.

 

[wholbr]

Hi everybody

~snip
Hi Bill,
The reason I don't comment much on activities at the 'higher level' as you refer to it is partially due to not fully knowing where the limits are in terms of what can be divulged in public (as well as the possibility of rivals getting hold of information they shouldn't get). Perhaps John has a better understanding on what the limits are, although I'm sure he probably has limits on what he can say, although as stated in my last sentence these limits are unknown. I am expecting that certain aspects like early testing are likely to have lower limits on what can be shared though.

snip~Shane

Hi Shane
we were talking about injecting humour into this thread in an earlier posting, so I hope you don’t mind me saying in the most genuine and respectful way that your statement above very much injects humour into anyone who just gives any thought to it.

When trainz new era went live in December any of N3V competitors could have pledged and purchased a place on the Pioneer Council under any name and most probably did. Obviously in doing so they will have had first-hand and quite legal access to anything discussed within that circle and use it to their competitive advantage should they wish.

Therefore with the foregoing in mind, why should there be any restriction on what Pioneer Council members say to other members of this forum regarding discussions within the body. Surely it is laughable to believe that N3Vs competitors would go scanning this forum for leaked snippets of information when they could have just carried out the above practice and as stated properly have. If you do not insert security on such a body as the Pioneer Council when it is being set up there is no point in trying to insert it afterwards as the stable door will have been kicked open the horse already bolted.

Bill, before I get to the heinous crime of associating with the royal family, what competitor are you talking about? I've recently purchased 'the other sim' and find it very enjoyable for driving (though somewhat pricey if I wanted to get third party routes to work). Meantime, I continue to use Trainz to do route building.

Now, the Prince of Wales... Doesn't he own Somerset? Or is it Devon? Or Cornwall? All three? I think I saw his aul yin's house in London someplace.

Pfx, your thoughts and use regarding Railworks are exactly the same is mine. On my system the graphics when driving a scenario are stunning the point being almost addictive, but their version of surveyor still very much lets the simulation down. As you say it is expensive in the sense that almost all add-ons are payware but I do not mind paying for good quality especially the content created by “just trains”

I have bought the great Western Bristol to Exeter main line route, Bristol and Avonmouth and the newly released Exeter to Paignton which are all routes close to where I live and have travelled on very often. Therefore should you buy those routes pfx or any other forum member you will very much feel you are living here in Somerset. However, watch out it still very damp and gooey in places.

With regard to my encounter with HRH everyone will be pleased to know that I did everything expected of me which included curtsying to him as he approached. We all expected that he would come among us in the way of a Lord of the Manor inspecting the work of his serfs. However, Charles and William on arrival did show great knowledge of the flooding problems which was a pleasant change from some of the Westminster civil service bozos who showed up down here. That said when I get to the Buck house garden party I am determined I will eat and drink everything I possibly can and then puke on her majesties highly manicured lawn before passing out.

Bill.

 

[pfx]

Can we please avoid such serious discussion on a thread which has basically dealt with untreated sewage to this point? It's refreshing to see some amusing and irreverent discussion for a change. I don't even bother with the T:ANE forum anymore as it's so depressing and my only thought on the whole affair is if T:ANE introduces a lush driving experience such as that in RW and combines the ease of Trainz surveryor, I'll be in train sim heaven. Otherwise, I'd almost resurrect the 'Beer is Brainfood' thread again but my doctor forbids it.

Bill, do you think they will provide cider at the palace or will you be forced to consume Pimms with lemonade and other such genteel beverages? You should perhaps fill a blue carrier with a few cans of cooking cider just in case!

 

[robd]

...do you think they will provide cider at the palace or will you be forced to consume Pimms with lemonade and other such genteel beverages? You should perhaps fill a blue carrier with a few cans of cooking cider just in case!

You will be highly disappointed to learn that tea, sandwiches and cakes only are served in the Royal Tea Tent:

http://www.royal.gov.uk/RoyalEventsandCeremonies/GardenParties/WhathappensataGardenParty.aspx

Sorry, strictly no alcoholic beverages of any kind and probably not a good idea to get 'bevied up' before the start!

 

[pfx]

I'm not disappointed at all. I'd be more likely to go to a proper pub with beer taps and pork scratchings than turn up at the palace, not that I'm ever likely to receive such an invitation.

 

[rjhowie]

Wondered how you were getting on wholbr since our last "chat." So it is good to hear of your achievement. The light touch, humour and satire is always part of life too although it depends as we are all different Trainz a great communicatoif we keep that in mindr.

 

[pfx]

Returning to the original purpose of this thread, I think, and highly relevant given what I'm doing right now, did you know that a computer keyboard can carry up to 200 times as much bacteria as a toilet seat?* As if that isn't bad enough, the average office desk has 400 times as much bacteria as a toilet seat. Before any of you who use mobiles get smug, the average mobile harbours 18 times as much bacteria as a toilet seat. I always wear gloves.

*I think this research may have been completed after the demise of British Rail as I refuse to accept anything houses more bacteria than a BR toilet seat.

 

[nicky9499]

Moral of the story, we should start computing from the poop chair.

 

[wholbr]

Hi everybody.
Rjhowie, great to see you are still going strong and posting on the forum. However, I have to agree that the British rail mounted public convenience has definitely and without doubt got to be the most un-hygienic thing ever created in the history of mankind.

If you take the first great Western class 130 services operated between the West of England and London Paddington with the mark four coaches, you will find on entering the convenience a large sign which instructs all men to seat themselves irrespective of whatever operation they are about to carry out.

Of course, men being what they are will not seat themselves upon that thing unless they absolutely have to especially when only the lighter of the two possible operations is required. They therefore decided to stand with the usual thoughts of “what do they think I am in putting up that sign, man or mouse”

Of course, the moment they get into mid-stream they realise just how much a train rocks at over 100 mph. Unable to stop, they stand their rolling about not only adding to the liquid contents of the pan but also decorating the walls and floor surrounding it in a lovely shade of light green. Should at that moment the train also cross a large set of junction points such as on approach Didcot or Reading then it is quite possible the male user will decorate the ceiling as well.:mop:

The foregoing brings about a reference that regular users of these services exchanged between one another which usually goes along the lines of “beware the First Great Western aroma is pungent in there this morning”

I am not saying that I have ever used a rail mounted public convenience in the above forbidden manner as I would not dream of doing such a thing. But we have all heard of those that have.

Bill

 

[pfx]

I'd say that the greatest single improvement in rail mounted conveniences in recent times is the introduction of the retaining tank. While this may not benefit the actual users in any way, it certainly makes standing on a station a far more pleasant experience where, similar to your mention of instructional signs above, many users were inclined to ignore the operating procedure relating to use when stationary.

Nowadays on the platform, there is shorter hair (on men at least), brighter colours, less staff and notably, the absence of that unique odour common to the stations in the 70s and most of the 80s. Instead of the shiny topped rails resting on a black, unidentifiable surface, ballast and sleepers are now generally visible.

On the downside, that smell was actually an enjoyable part of rail travel, mixed with excessive diesel fumes.

 

[nicky9499]

Perhaps it would be wise then to suggest to railway companies the installation of a device which closes the pan until a bum is detected on the throne. If my car knows whether or not my passenger is strapped in I'm sure with similar technology it can be applied to the convenience as well.

@pfx: In this part of the world the lavatories on board all trains still empty directly onto the track. Having spent much of my childhood playing around railroad tracks (and growing up, cycling alongside them), said odour is something I am all too familiar with.

 

[mezzoprezzo]

The joys of train toilets

.
In the interest of hygiene there is the unwritten rule when using British Rail rolling stock lavatories, that the epidermis must never make contact with the seat.

Now this does present problems, and a skill level on a par with circus juggling.

The firmly planted flat footed stance must be accompanied with sufficient calf and thigh strength so that the body can be maintained in an appropriately unnatural stooping position. This in turn can cause muscle cramps if not properly executed, but must be attempted at all costs. The merest brush against seat or porcelain is total failure.

Further lavatorial gymnastics are required in order to ensure that the lowered trousers do not make contact with the floor. This requires the John Wayne bow legged stance so that the trouser material can be stretched into a locked position to prevent gravity taking its course. For obvious reasons Marks and Spencer elasticated menswear is not the best choice.

Further difficulties will be encountered as the inevitable human body swaying motion become hopelessly out of synch with the unpredictable motion of the train. Aim, and the moment of delivery, becomes critically important at this time.

All in all it is best to avoid the whole procedure if at all possible.

Clench, and wait until you get home would be my advice.

 

[pfx]

Such advice has caused me severe distress in the past however, on the whole, I'm inclined to agree. I am yet to perform a 'trouser lock, half nelson, forearm smash' maneuver for the sake of some light relief. The best advice I can give is to perform ones ablutions and associated tasks, prior to your journey.

The only excuse for failure is excessive consumption of the Devil's buttermilk while on board.

 

[wholbr]

Hi again everybody.
Nicky,pfx, mezzoorezzo and everybody who has joined this thread thanks for giving me and my wife (Carol) one of the best laughs we have had in a long time after I showed her these postings at tea time today.

Although we have been married for 46 years after reading the above she related to me a story she had never told me throughout our entire married life. Apparently in the mid-1960s as a teenager she along with a group of her mates (all female) decided to take a bank holiday train from Bristol to Weymouth. Well, teenagers being what they are, they were beving it up all through the day until it was time to catch the return train to Bristol.

Not long after leaving Weymouth Carol had to use the mark one coach rail mounted convenience on the packed train. On entering the convenience she found it was swimming with liquid from ceiling to floor and therefore she had to adopt the “John Wayne bow legged stance” to stop her trousers and underwear descending into the ablutions on the floor. Unfortunately she had to bend even further forward so that at least one of her hands gripped the turn ups of her trousers to stop them descending into the liquid mire while the other held on to the toilet handle behind her.

She was mid-stream in that position when the door suddenly opened and some young bloke burst into absolute hysterics over the site that that was before him and called over all the rest of his mates who were standing in the corridor. Apparently Carol had forgotten to push the catch across which locked the door and changed the outside sign to engaged. She then had to endure for the rest of the journey him, his mates and all her mates making jokes with roars of laughter regarding her previous predicament. The upside of it was that she never had to buy a buffet car drink for the rest of the journey as the lads all treated her for making their bank holiday a memorable one.

It was not long after that that she met me and I made an honest respectable woman of her.

Bill

 

[rjhowie]

When it comes to smells the one that I and many others remember well is that of the old Glasgow Subway system. After it's modernisation that seemed to have gone. Most of the time it was distinctive to that system and noit that bad really. Unique.