Kris,
I understand your frustration, been there and done that before. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Recently I faced a life changing experience. I spent a week away from Trainz, the forums, and everything else I love including music. I needed time to wake up, relax and face some changes that I need to make physically. For the first time in 40 years, I did not touch the piano! For me it was one of the hardest things, and by the end of the week I was at it again. For me music is my soul. Without music in my life somewhere, I would die. Without music, I become deeply depressed, and the ongoing battles I now have physically are making this more and more frustrating. I can no longer execute fast runs, and leeping octaves accurately. This hurts both inside as well as outside.
Now back to your problems. being an Ausbergers, means that you'll be serious and a perfectionist. By the very nature of the condition, this is what it does. I'm not, but my nephew is, and I can see it in his personality already. It's funny I too am a perfectionist, and get into a snit over details. If I draw something, it's never right. When playing the piano, the frustrations get so bad, I want to rip the keys and strings out of the instrument! The reason, I compare myself to others, and this is something you shouldn't do. Remember you will always have your own talents. Not everyone is a salesman, not everyone is a doctor, a lawyer, etc. We all have our own niche and our own special talents that we should bring into their best. You are still young to be able to do this. I'm now an old fart, and it's a lot harder for me. At work my manager and the big boss over her have started a new way of working. It's called strengths finder, based on the book of the same name. According to the book, we all have hidden talents, and some learned ones. We have to learn to focus our energies on what we do best, rather than trying to perfect things that we're not good at.
I know this sounds like a lot of rambling, but I'm trying to say is, take it easy on yourself and do your best at whatever you like. As you grow, you're practicing, gaining new experiences, and things will get things better. This is part of the learning and growing process. Nothing is really built in one day.
Anyway, as far as UP goes. Be glad they're still running the trains on the SP tracks. Where I live in the northeast, we have Guilford Transportation, now known as PanAM Railways. What they did after they purchased the Maine Central, Boston & Maine, and Deleware & Hudson, is to scrap, rip up, and destroy everything. They took the venerable D&H, and ripped up the tracks under the Starrucca viaduct. The famous Lansdown PA line that appears in many books and videos. The tracks are gone, and this is now a bike path. Why did they do this? I can't figure it out. They didn't just embargo the line, or close it. They scrapped it along with the old D&H Alcos and many other great locomotives. To them the railroad was a way to make quick cash. They screwed up the unions, cut crews and made a lot of unsafe work conditions, and let the maintenance go do so far that the tracks look worse than the old Rock Island did just before they passed away! Today it's not uncommon to see standing derailments in Lawrence where the tracks give way under the weight of the freight cars! Sadly they took my favorite railroads and destroyed them. It still hurts when I see old Youtube videos of the B&M and even the New Haven at their height, and now see abandoned track where these trains once ran. I do get excited when I read about the local transit company relaying double-track, and about what Norfolk and Southern is doing with the West End. It's too bad they didn't purchase everything from PAR. If they did, the route would look a heck of a lot better than it does now!
Hang in there. PM or email me if you want to talk. I'm good at listening as well as rambling... LOL
John
