Farewell to a good friend

A few words,
I would like to say that my partner of 20 years passed on yesterday at 3.40 pm. I was holding him in my arms when it happened, very quickly, about 3 seconds and then he stopped breathing.
He was and will always be in my heart, a great supporter of my efforts in Trainz and other modelling fields made on my part. He was so very proud when I put routes on the Trainz Download Station and folk began getting them to run.
In other spheres he gave me his full support when I bought a £600 Tamiya Leopard kit and began hacking it about to build the Challenger. I am so glad he saw that project right through.
We did many things in our 20 years of happiness together, fishing (although he was blind in one eye so I had to tackle up), golf when I took that up and he patiently came round the course with me day after day, and modelling boats and trains.
He will be greatly missed, not only a brilliant partner but a never wavering friend as well.
It was only three and a half weeks ago we were seperated for the first time in all those years of being together when he went into hospital for tests and was later diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. He went into Charing Cross on Monday for radiography but I could see he was rapidly going down as each day passed. I tried not to let him be alone and was indeed holding him in my arms when he went.
He had an awful year suffering with open wounds and pouring fluid on both legs with such pain that he would cry, and believe me he was not the kind of man to do that. Then he got open wounds on his bottom and that must have been so terrible and have been in constant pain. he did complain, but not anywhere near as much as one would expect considering his suffering.

Now he suffers no more and I am pleased that that burden has been removed from his broad shoulders.

I am missing my gentle giant terribly.

At present I am running through pictures of him and making up an album. I had the foresight to take many since he came out of hospital after being diagnosed so I have a great collection. Sadly they do show his rapid decline on and into the beyond, where he now exists.

My latest route, Longhurst Deacon, has a station named after him, just a small tribute from me to a wonderful guy that I had the privilege of sharing some of my life with.

Goodbye Alan, my love, may you now rest in the peace you deserve.

Angela

Bless you Angelah, words are sometimes inadequate to express what people feel. Please be assured that many people will be thinking of you at this difficult time. It sounds like Alan had found an angel in you.

John

Dear Angela,
So desperately sorry to hear of your loss.Although I know no words can compensate for it,please know I will be thinking of you at this time.
God Bless
Bruce

Sad Loss

As one who has lost more than a few much loved family members, and very dear friends of many years, my heart aches with you. It will always be impossible to fill the void that remains, but cherished memories, and photographs will one day help to ease the awfull emptyness and hurt that you feel.

Thinking of you in your hours of need, mat God bless and comfort you.

Tony

Angelah, that is really sad news and you have my sympathies. You sure were worthy of each other.


Take care

Nix

Many thanks

arco said:

As one who has lost more than a few much loved family members, and very dear friends of many years, my heart aches with you. It will always be impossible to fill the void that remains, but cherished memories, and photographs will one day help to ease the awfull emptyness and hurt that you feel.

Thinking of you in your hours of need, mat God bless and comfort you.

Tony

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Dear Tony,
What an amazing forum this is, so much support from people I do not know. I am choked up.
I keep half turning to see if he is okay sitting behind me... an old habit over the past year.
Yes, I have begun to make an album up. I took lots of photos over the past couple of weeks right up to and including his passing. There is the chapel of rest to come yet so I can then finish them. But I have many more taken during the amazing 20 years we spent together, and not one day did we spend apart until the hospital stays recently, so I have a lot of work to do in that direction yet.
Not really sure what the future holds, just one step at a time....

Thanks to all the wonderful messages posted here.

Angela

Angela, it is very sad to hear of your loss. Times like this are never easy and nor can anyone totally understand what you have gone through. I am very pleased to hear of your photo's. I remember once a lady telling me of the loss of her partner of many years and the only physical memory she had was a 10 minute video. I told her she had much more, in her heart and in the 4 children they had.

My deepest sympathies,

Craig

Angela my love, so sorry to read about your sad loss. It sounds as though you had twenty wonderful years together, nothing, nor nobody can ever take them away from you.
Blessings Be. Sandie.

I have felt your pain Angelah, I lost my beloved wife (Gracie) 10 years ago to breast cancer, she was my whole life, we did everything together, I still miss her to this very day.

Our friends nicknamed us "Salt & Pepper" because we were always together. Now, if I go out for dinner somewhere, I always check for Pepper on the table, strange, but I find some comfort in knowing that it's there.

Near the end, the hospital allowed me to stay in the private ward with her, so we could be together, she too passed away in my arms, she lost her battle for life, but she never gave up the fight.

Please accept my condolances, and take with you my best wishes for the future, time will become your best friend.

Ray
aka:wiley4

Hello Angela, you made me cry with your story, I feel so sorry for your loss. It just so happens that I'm going to my local cemetary tomorrow to "see" my Mum who died 12 months ago. She had 4 mini-strokes within 2 weeks of each other after suffering with Alzheimers for nearly 3 years. I held her hand in the hospital for 2 hours the last time I saw her alive.
It is nigh on impossible to put into words the loss you feel for someone you share parts of your life with, you have your memories and your photographs to cherish forever at least. I hope you find comfort from your family and close friends, and of course you have an army of "trainz colleagues" here on this forum, we will be thinking of you at this time.
My condolencies and prayers for you at this sad moment.

Steve. ( ex-railwayman ).

Ravaged

Wiley4 said:

I have felt your pain Angelah, I lost my beloved wife (Gracie) 10 years ago to breast cancer, she was my whole life, we did everything together, I still miss her to this very day.

Our friends nicknamed us "Salt & Pepper" because we were always together. Now, if I go out for dinner somewhere, I always check for Pepper on the table, strange, but I find some comfort in knowing that it's there.

Near the end, the hospital allowed me to stay in the private ward with her, so we could be together, she too passed away in my arms, she lost her battle for life, but she never gave up the fight.

Please accept my condolances, and take with you my best wishes for the future, time will become your best friend.

Ray
aka:wiley4

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I can feel your loss, we are kindred spirits. But then so many people have had to tread this painful path over the years as they watched their loved one gradually decline in pain and suffering. My poor gentle giant's (six foot tall and originally 18 stone) body just couldn't take any more, I am sure, his body just gave in after being ravaged for so long. He went through hell and nobody should have to suffer like that, it is so cruel. he was such a dear soul and I am missing him like blue blazes.
Bless him, that last day when I took his photo (what I called my dailies) a couple of hours before the end he tried to smile but it simply came over as a winch. What a brave guy he was. His only concern was for me.
What on earth made me walk round the hospital bed at that precise moment I don't know, but I am so glad I did to hold and speak to him in his last moments.
When two people find each other in life and forge such a close relationship it transcends what I feel is a 'normal' partnership and there is a magical element that fuses between them. This was certainly the case with my Alan. I feel him here all the time and this is so strong it is almost physical.

There has only been brief periods in my life when I have been alone so this is a new experience and hard to adjust to. In many ways I am not alone, of course, my memories will live within my soul while the spark of life flickers in my puny human body and there has been so much wonderful support from the members of this and the UK forum that how can I say I am alone. I suppose it is just the silence here, yet I keep hearing noises so alike those that he made lying on his bed of pain over the past twelve months that cause me to turn to look at the spot where he sat and lay.
Why he was chosen to go through the degrading situations he had to suffer I have no idea, he was a shy man and it was so unfair. Is there a God? I am beginning to wonder...

His unflinching support for all my mad hatter schemes never faultered, he had so much faith in me and that in itself helped me through the frustrations and difficulties that I came up against.

Very many thanks to all members who are allowing me to show and write my feelings, this helps me tremendously, too many members to list by name. I treasure your responses each day as they appear.

God bless you all,

Angela

My deepest condolence to you, Angela, for the great loss of your beloved partner in life and amusement.

Please keep staying with us in Trainz for sharing feelings of sympathy towards you.

Alberte :wave:

sadness

dear angelah, we all express our profound sorrow for your loss, but, are happy indeed that no more suffering will be felt by your partner,as you say, we all experience these awfully sad times, and even if they are expected, they come no more easily to us ,....my sadness and respects to you and your family, kindest regards

Dear Angelah - My sincere sympathies for your tragic loss of Alan in such terrible circumstances. Try to cherish the happy memories! Having lost both my dear mother and my sweet mother-in-law to the big "C", I know how much it can shake your faith in a compassionate and merciful God to the very core. We must just be strong and keep on with our childlike faith that it will all come good in the end!

God Bless and Keep You!

Ian

Faith

sterrett said:

Dear Angelah - My sincere sympathies for your tragic loss of Alan in such terrible circumstances. Try to cherish the happy memories! Having lost both my dear mother and my sweet mother-in-law to the big "C", I know how much it can shake your faith in a compassionate and merciful God to the very core. We must just be strong and keep on with our childlike faith that it will all come good in the end!

God Bless and Keep You!

Ian

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I have to agree that this has most certainly shaken my faith in a God. He was a gentle giant and one of the nicest men you could ever wish to meet.
Why then did he have to suffer so much pain over the last years of life?
It makes you wonder that if there is a Greater Being then how the dickens he 'weighs' us off at the end of our time here on earth...

Thank you for your kind message,

Angela

...

Oh Angelah, I can't say a lot to comfort you at this time.
But let me say this..
I am a bachelor by choice, so I have not had the pleasure of having one so dear & close to me, for so long.
I do have an all female clan, and being the only male, through early poverty & hardship, I have looked out for the girls & mum since day 1, still do.
(probably why I'm still single, I was not bred to breed so to speak, which is a bit strange for a roman catholic!).
I suppose what I am trying to say is, be glad of the time spent together, (you know all this of course).
I do envy you just a little, for having 20 years of fine companionship.
Kindest regards & respect for you dear lady.
Pete.

Mum and Dad went last year. It is emotionally tumultuous losing loved ones. You will pull through and learn things about yourself. You will always have cherished memories to remind you. Deepest condolences.

Dear Angela,

It is beautiful and moving to see how much you two lived as Love's exemplars while together, now you must wait a while before being reunited and STILL you shine - open-mouthed in admiration of your magnanimity and generosity. Thank you so much for sharing, you are an inspiration to us all. My thoughts are with you, as are so many others. Bless you.

"What can be remembered need never be lost." - Clive Barker, 'Weaveworld'

~Wulf

Thank you all

Hello to forum members,
So very many thanks for your posts on here and the UKtrainz forum. We were supposed to have a MacMillan nurse but she only appeared once and though I have left a message on their telephone nobody has returned the call or even bothered to come. In short the only support I have is from you all and without it I will go under.
I know people think I am strong and tell me to be brave, but this last year in particular has been so horrible. To see the person you love and hold dear slowly succumb to first diabetes and then be diagnosed lymp cancer, a very aggressive type that rapidly ate into his last reserves of strength, is more than I could bear. I had to for Alan's sake, he needed even more support during this time and a smile each time our eyes met helped him a lot, I am sure, but I broke up inside and am still in pieces, they refuse to re-bond and I find I need to talk otherwise I will just get worse.
If only I could lose the 'video clip' in my mind of him in my arms I might be better, but that isn't happening. I have lost half a stone this week, am not sleeping very well and that is worrying too. I have no appetite at all, although I have had a light breakfast.
I thought that if I went into Trainz and did some work that would help, and indeed it did take my mind of other things for a while as I prepared Longhurst Deacon for uploading, which has been done. But I am unable to concentrate on building/creating anything else at present.

I want to get on with the WCL sections but trying is useless, my mind just wanders off onto Alan again, so I gave that up, at least for now. There is plenty of work to be done there once the immediate details of Alan's final journey have been completed this coming week and probably early into the next.

So thanks you all once again for such a wonderful response and the 'electronic' support provided. It is desperately needed.

Sincerely,

Angela

Dear Angela,

I'll just add that my thoughts are with you, now and in the future.

Please remember that you have lots of friends here - and outside - you may not have met them yet - but they are there.

Please ask if there is anything that we (individually or collectively) can do...

Colin