View Full Version : Mock the Auto-Announcer game

March 13th, 2008, 12:24 PM
a slightly different take of the "Station Name Game (UK)" but I thought, why not put it into auto-announcers? There are 2 ways to play this game.

The first way is the bland and boring way. You start off with an auto-announcer, the origin has to match the destination of the previous post, so if the train's final destination is "Stannmore" from the previous post, the start would be "Stannmore'. For durability, we can safely assume that the train will be a 2-car 150 to start with. From origin to destination, you need to add a "Calling at" bit, so you can have any amount of stations between the origin and destination. Heck, you can have a Via bit if you want.

For those are wondering, there is no restriction to where the train can go, so it can be completely random, but please, keep it logical where possible. E.g. trains can''t reverse at Wembly Central if you are going from St Albans Abbey to Watford via Wembly.

If you want to combine trains, you have to add where it combines and the next poster has to combine the train at that station and repeat the stations from the station the train combines at to either where it divides or where it terminates. For simplicity, lets just keep it as a multiple of 2. So 2 cars attaches to another 2 cars, to another 2 cars, etc.

If the poster wishes to, the poster can divide the train and specify which cars will go where.

Finally, the format. The bits in quotes are what you need to start with, e.g.

"This train is the" (insert company here) "to" (insert station here) (Via optional) "Calling at:" (list station) "where this train divides" (station), "Passengers for" (list) "should join the" (position, front, mid, rear and car no.), (as previously, but for the second destination)
(Italics is optional)

You can add other announcements too, like no smoking, short platforms, etc.


This train is the Southern Service to Portsmouth Harbour and Southampton Central via Eastleigh, calling at Ford, Barnham, Chichester, Havant where this train divides.
Passengers for Fareham, Eastleigh and Southampton Central should join the front 2 coaches. Passengers for Fratton, Portsmouth & Southsea and Portsmouth Harbour, should join the rear 2 coaches of this train.
This is coach 2 of 4.

If you want to play the other way, the fun way, all you need to do, is add something random and funny that the auto-announcer could say. E.g.

"Would passengers please note that smoking is only permitted outside the train, if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em"
(You can also mix and match the announcements)

Lets start:

"This train is the Arriva Trains Wales service to Crewe, Calling at Bangor, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch, Llandudno Junction, Flint, Chester and Crewe. This is coach 2 of 2."
"We're sorry, but there are no catering facilities available on this service as the catering company has gone on strike."

March 13th, 2008, 01:48 PM
I think I'll join in WEN.....

"The train at platform 1 is the Virgin West Coast service to London Euston, callaing at: Stafford, Birmingham New Street, Watford Junction and London Euston. Please look out for suspicous customers in CrossCountry uniforms as that might take over the rest of our railways and your train"

Does the train have to divide....I wouldn't want to split a Pendo in half....

Hope I got this right....

March 13th, 2008, 02:45 PM
I think I'll join in WEN.....

"The train at platform 1 is the Virgin West Coast service to London Euston, callaing at: Stafford, Birmingham New Street, Watford Junction and London Euston. Please look out for suspicous customers in CrossCountry uniforms as that might take over the rest of our railways and your train"

Does the train have to divide....I wouldn't want to split a Pendo in half....

Hope I got this right....

Nope, its optional :) I was assuming 2-car 150, as it'll be the same train traveling the network, so it had to be anywhere capabilities. It would also need to be an onboard announcement (sorry I didn't make that clear to begin with).

March 15th, 2008, 05:54 AM
Bing bing bong! (indecipherable echoey voice) "This is London Euston. Welcome to London Euston. The train standing at platform 4 is the sleeper service to Fort William. Calling at Nuneaton, Rugby, Birmingham New Street, Stafford, Crewe, Warrington Bank Quay, Wigan North Western, Preston, Lancaster, Carlisle, Glasgow Central and Fort William. Will passengers please note that the sleeper carriages are not for sleeping in, and we have endeavoured to make your journey as uncomfortable as possible. Thank you"

Best wishes,

March 15th, 2008, 10:19 PM
(muffly yelly voice)This is the <garbled> Newcastle. It will be stopping at every station conceivably possible in order to make your journey as annoying as possible. Please note the only working lavatory is in the first car of the train.

May 11th, 2008, 09:34 AM
Here's mine(bear in mind, I'm American, and I've never really heard the PA systems over there)....

(Ding-Dong) "Ladies and Gentlemen, the 12:50 Arriva CrossCountry is sitting on siding 3. The driver is having a tea break, so there is a 25 minute delay. We aren't sorry for the inconvenice, and it certainly serves you right..... and our customer service centre is not going to process your complaint because your just downright ugly".... (Someone throws a stone at the loudspeaker)

Just a thought....


May 11th, 2008, 10:49 AM
Here's mine(bear in mind, I'm American, and I've never really heard the PA systems over there)....

(Ding-Dong) "Ladies and Gentlemen, the 12:50 Arriva CrossCountry is sitting on siding 3. The driver is having a tea break, so there is a 25 minute delay. We aren't sorry for the inconvenice, and it certainly serves you right..... and our customer service centre is not going to process your complaint because your just downright ugly".... (Someone throws a stone at the loudspeaker)

Just a thought....


Pretty accurate!

May 11th, 2008, 11:43 AM
The Yellow zones is for short term parking only. The White Zones is for emergency vehicles ONLY.

Sorry I just HAD too :P


May 11th, 2008, 11:45 AM
(Ding-Dong) "This train is the Amtrak No. 1313 to Penn Station via London St. Pancras, Dover, and Philadelphia , Passengers for Washingto D.C. should join the last car. No, we don't know how the train got across the Atlantic, and there will be a short delay as the reduced clearances have significantly decreased the capacity of the coaches."

May 11th, 2008, 12:51 PM
♪♪Bing Ding Dong♪♪This is the East bound Trans-Atlantic Express. Connecting New York City and London. All Passengers wanting to get to Tokyo must go to the other side of the country. This is a Dinner train. Your appetizers will commence once the doors close, the salad will begin as the train crosses the Sohm Plain. Your main course will be served over the Mid-Atlantic Ridge, and Dessert will begin on the Biscay Plain off the coast of France. British Customs and Immigration will be done in the London Trans-Atlantic Express Terminal. Enjoy your meal.


May 12th, 2008, 02:53 AM
I heard this the other day in Ingelheim. A bit of a background is needed to fully understand what happened. The dispatcher in Ingelheim is from East Germany, as a result he speaks in a nearly incomprehensible accent which I find to be incredibly hilarious. I should also note that in Germany for the vast majority of stations, the dispatcher does the station announcements on the intercom.

*click* Ladies and gentlemen on Track 4 (we don't use platform over here) RE 12359 to Frankfurt Hbf via Mainz Hbf and Frankfurt Flughafen Regionalbahnhof will soon be entering the station, please take care upon entry. *forgets to put phone back on hook* (in the background from a radio somewhere in the signalbox) "Sweet home Alabama! Where the skies are all blue" Indecipherable mumbling *click*.


May 12th, 2008, 06:15 AM

My information is that there is a language called "Ingelheimer" - it's incomprehensible to anyone who speaks normal German....

Certainly my friends in Ingelheim (from other regions/Lander/countries) have problems with it.
A friend's daughter came home & used the expression "Sharbe" (as close as I can write it). The translation is "Ich harbe".

To return to the thread, I stil reckon the biggest problem is for the London based staff (most of ethnic origin) trying to manage the station names beyond Glasgow or Edinburgh. Perth is ok, but Kingussie, Gleneagles, Ardlui, Arrochar & Tarbet, Crianlarich are a problem.


May 12th, 2008, 07:33 AM
here is mine.

Welcome aboard this southern Service to Brighton calling at Portsmouth & Southsea, Fratton, Bedhampton, Havant, Warblington, Ermsworth, Southbourne, Nutbourne, Bosham, Fishbourne, Chichester, Barnahm, Ford, Angmering, Goring-by-sea, Durrington-by-Sea, West Worthing, Worthing, East Worthing & every other garden gate to Brighton. You are in coach 6 of 4. Please note there is no smoking allowed on any Southern Servicves and this does include the non opening windows. Also there is a special announcment for this service Wessex Electrics are not to be conveyed on this train. Have a safe journey now Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

May 12th, 2008, 08:18 AM
Welcome onboard the 12:25 National Express East Anglia service to, Stansted Airport. We will be calling at Tottenham Hale, Bishop Stortford, Stansted Mountfitchet and, Stansted Airport. Please note due to train upgrades the seats have been removed from this service. Passengers for all stations to Stansted Airport should have got onboard the Stansted Express service 2 minutes ago.
Please note that delays are possible due to a workman being trapped beneath a train just outside Liverpool Street.
A trolley service is avalible on this train.

I think that's quite good.:wave:

May 12th, 2008, 12:58 PM
"This train is the No names service to Winchester, calling at Medstead & Four Marks, Ropley and Alresford where this train divides. Passengers for Itchen Abbas and Winchester are advised to join a bus. Passengers for a dead end, join the rear 2 coaches. Passengers willing to travel the way they came in reverse, are strongly advised to travel in the front 2 coaches. This train is formed of 12 coaches."


"Due to a point defect, this train will now be derailing at Ropley, this train terminates at "NO MANS LAND"."

May 12th, 2008, 03:21 PM
Welcome aboard the nutjobs train to fruitloop central on this train you will find Auran Games PLC, George Bush and Gordan Brown. If you are sane then you are advised to get the train behind us if you fit into the fruitloop catagory stay on board and get fitted for your snugg fitting jacket ;)

May 12th, 2008, 09:36 PM
If you need voices for your announcements, I have a few 'friends' that would be happy to help out.

May 14th, 2008, 06:08 AM
"*Bing bong!* Platform 2 for the First Great Western service for Truro that should have left three and a half hours ago. We are not at all sorry to announce that the catering company are all on strike and the aircon on this train can be toggled between "off" and "off". Passengers are reminded that the driver may stop the train to watch a football match on TV, or log into the internet and look at unsavoury images. This train is formed of two coaches."

May 14th, 2008, 07:30 PM
Herer's one from many years ago at Birmingham New Street, Sunday evening..just before the pubs closed.

"The train for Plymouth/Penzance.. due to arrive on platform 12 is now scheduled to arrive on platform 1 but if your a Serviceman waiting to go back to your depot, you have just missed it because I couldnt be ar**ed to announce that the train was early "....."it left 10 minutes ago ......"

thats a true one .... i WAS a serviceman waiting to go back .....lol

Saddest thing of all is one week later the IRA set a bomb off just outside the station

May 15th, 2008, 03:21 AM
The Yellow zones is for short term parking only. The White Zones is for emergency vehicles ONLY.

Sorry I just HAD too :P


The White zones is for short term parking only. The Yellow Zones is for emergency vehicles ONLY.


May 16th, 2008, 04:57 AM
Boing…. This is you train manager welcoming passengers who boarded this First Great Western service at Plymouth to Lands End….. Please note that this train terminates at Penzance owing to Railtrack not having put rails down beyond that station, Passengers for Lands End please ensure you have adequate footwear for the journey on foot to Lands End. Passengers wishing to disembark at intermediate stations please pull the communication cord above the seats…. Also passengers will be required to show both tickets and passports as we cross the Royal Albert Bridge into Cornwall. Passengers for Falmouth, Newquay and Looe please note that they are on the wrong train. Owing to Railtrack’s on going engineering work on this line the normal two hour journey will now take twelve hours. We apologise that we have no on board catering facilities. Smoking is allowed only in coach A which unfortunately has not been attached to this train. Nicotine patches can be purchased from the train inspector at £5 each. Thank you for having the nerve to travel with First Great Western. Any complaints should be addressed to Virgin Trains…Who will be taking over the franchise owing to our poor performance. Have a pleasant journey.

May 16th, 2008, 04:52 PM
Welcome on board this service from Penzance to Cardiff Central. This train calls at all stops until it breaks down, we currently are tossing a coin over this and is likely to be Saltash. Even though its currently on time, due to this being FGW, we can assure you by Devon it will be two hours late. Also please note for the time being there is no toilet on this service, this is due to person hiding inside but we estimate him to run of at Bristol. Please note there is no refreshments either. This is short formed by a 1 carrige 153 because another MTU Hst has caught fire again. Welcome on board.

May 16th, 2008, 05:13 PM
On the track is Amtrak train number 188 with service to Chicago. Due to this train running on Union Pacific track this train is three months late; please adjust your schedules accordingly. Also because the timetable for that time has not been made yet no connections can be guaranteed. Thank you for traveling Amtrak's ILS service.
Authors note: ILS = Inconceivably Late Service

May 17th, 2008, 04:49 AM
Posted at Edinburgh,
The train up from Crewe that's now due will be late due to dew, the noo!
We hope the delay to the crew from Crewe due to the dew will not be undue.


May 18th, 2008, 02:32 AM
(muffly yelly voice)This is the <garbled> Newcastle. It will be stopping at every station conceivably possible in order to make your journey as annoying as possible. Please note the only working lavatory is in the first car of the train.

There's a blast from the past, how are you going Stormy. Drop into chat sometime and catch up. :)

May 18th, 2008, 08:52 AM
Seen a notice at Doncaster :-
The toilets on platform one are out of order, please use platform three.


June 26th, 2008, 03:32 AM
(Ding-dong) "Attention, travellers! Our toilets are currently out-of-order, if you need to use them, please take the Express R143 to the Flushing Line. I repeat, take the Express R143 To the Flushing Line. Thank you."(Ding-Dong)

Did I get it right? Did I? Did I? :udrool:

June 26th, 2008, 09:46 PM
*Bing Bong* Hello everyone, sorry about that slight bump, it seems that the first 3 cars have run a closed switch and derailed. We apologize for the delay and we will hopefully have them rerailed in notime. We here at Amtrak pride ourselves in being pros at getting trains back on track.:hehe: Next stop, Denver Station. Also if you would look out the left side you will see a Sante Fe SuperChief rolling by with no problems. On second thought you might be getting to your destination a few decades early. We are sorry about the delay and the time jump, and we hope you continue to ride Amtrak in the future.

June 26th, 2008, 09:59 PM
*bing bong* Departing at track 48 is the "2012 Olympic Super Express" enrouted to "The Queens Olympic Stadium"(if NY is holding for the 2012 olympics). This train will make no stops. All people wawnting to stop at 61st St woodside must take the "Olympic 7" on track 12 but will be delayed until the olympics ends. All trains are eqipped with lavatories except the 2012 Olympic Super Express due to an active bomb and will self destruct when reaching the station. The "2012 Olympic Express" will be overcrowded so no seating is available and will be pushed by an "oshiya" so they can fit you in. Thank you for listening.

June 27th, 2008, 05:46 PM
Welcome on board this cross country voager sevice from Aberdeen to Penzance calling at, oh whats the point, no one's going to stay on for the whole journey apart from the dead guy in the toilet because the door failed while he was in there and died of the smell of the toilet tank.

June 28th, 2008, 05:40 AM
*Bingly-bingly-beep*. Ladeeeeez and Gennlemen, for your entertainment, we have here today a rare and glorious spectacle! [drum roll] The train now departing from track 2, that's track 2, has actually arrived on time! If you look to your right on platform 2, then you can see the leaves on the line that will delay it until the cows come home to roost! Than you for travelling with First Great Western! *Dah-dah-da-daaaaa!*

June 28th, 2008, 09:30 AM
Ding Ding Dong. Ldeeeeeyeeeezze and Gentelman we would like to remind you that we take security veryeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


June 28th, 2008, 05:20 PM
If you do not have a valid ticket for the next station, please will you jump off the train as soon as possible. Damn central locking!

June 29th, 2008, 07:09 AM
*Ding Dong*This is an announcement.We take safety very seriously,therefore we will be ensuring you remain in your seats for the duration of this trip,
which is 3 days.:hehe:
3 hours later
*Ding dong* We have just recieved news that the train will be 5 days late,thank you for your co-operation.

June 30th, 2008, 09:39 AM
Will passengers please note we take security very seriously. Now lets play pass the unattend parcel and cases.

June 30th, 2008, 12:28 PM
*Ding dong*
We would like to announce that the nuisance-who plays his music loudly has died in the toilet.:( But don't worry!;) We have a replacement nuisance-who plays his music loudly, onboard.:D We hope to see you traveling on one of our trains again!

July 1st, 2008, 08:38 AM
Would passengers please note this train bound for London Liverpool Street will be terminating at Stratford. This is due to overunning overhead wire replacement. Network Rail would not like to apologise for the inconvience caused because the work will take as long as it needs to.:hehe:

Just another day for commuters.:hehe:

July 1st, 2008, 12:16 PM
Ding Dong Worple worple the train arriving in platform 4 is the virgin cross country train to penzance calling at blah blah blah please note the luggage space is very limited, excuse the screaming toddler in B coach and there is hardly any leg room. Thankyou and have a nice day

July 4th, 2008, 10:43 AM
*Ding-dong!* Attention all riders on the 7725 + 7726 "5" tram train: You can board the train on platform 1, but as it is haunted, please board at platform 3.*Ding-dong!*


En route:

Attention, travellers! We are currently riding to some place unknown. Note that the crack between the coupling of 7725 and 7726 ment that the driver forgot to let out air into the brakes...hence the coupling crack...never mind...your train will just have to be retired, then we can continue.

(Different voice): How Ironic! That person clearly has no idea about what happened! What really happened was that both tram-cars were pulling away from each other, so the brakes are leaking "on". All it means is that the train will have to terminate where it is...:hehe:

September 20th, 2008, 01:35 AM
As for the Queensland Railways EMU 'doors closing' annoucement...

*ding ding* Doors closing, Please stand on your ear.

Buy Easy Vape (http://vaporizers.net/easy-vape)

September 20th, 2008, 11:11 AM
Platform 4 for the 12.15 Virgin Trains Pendolino service from London Euston to Manchester Piccadilly, calling at Watford Junction, Milton Keynes, Northampton, Rugby, Stafford, Crewe And Manchester Piccadilly. The the train will be cancelled just outside Birmingham. Thank You.

September 20th, 2008, 11:13 AM
Welcome to this Worst Late Western, Opps ... I mean First Great Western!

September 20th, 2008, 03:09 PM
Announcer at Hartlepool station at 7am...Would passengers on the Arriva service to York via Darlngton due to depart at 6.30 accept our apologies for the late departure due to the driver forgetting he was on duty this morning.... This train will now depart when The station manager has consulted the TRS Driver manual on how to drive a train and can pluck up courage to take this train as far Darlington where a volunteer Trainzer will take over... Passengers who will be late arriving at their workplace can ask their supervisors to contact the Auran Help Desk who will verify their late arrival to a malfunctioning CMP

September 21st, 2008, 02:40 PM
The next train to depart Glasgow platform 3 is the 12:10 private steam charter service to London Euston, Calling at all stations via every where due to this being a pacer hired from northern rail due to Westcoat Railways fireman forgetting it was suposed to be him firing the steam engine up at 5am this morning, platform 3 for the 12:10 steam special service for london Euston, we do not know when you will arrive a Euston because it will breakdown near crewe. we think

September 21st, 2008, 02:47 PM
Please note the 100 steam enthusiasts waiting on platform 3, the scarbrough coast express which is due any minute is not pulled by a steam engine, could you please exit the station in an orderly fashion. West coast Railway would not like to admitt vynalling a steam engine on a class 47 was a bad idea

September 21st, 2008, 03:33 PM
Welcome on board, you may aswell well walk, it would be a lot quicker.

September 21st, 2008, 06:20 PM
*Ding-dong!* Would passengers please note that this station is currently abandoned and will not be served by any trains. Please find your way to a different station. *Ding-Dong!*

October 5th, 2008, 06:39 AM
*Ding-ding-ding-ding!* The train now approaching platform 2 is the 16:59 First Great Western service to Reading, calling at Earley and Reading. A buffet service is available on this train, but it has fallen out of the carriage. Platform 2 for the 16:59 First Great Western service to Reading.

August 21st, 2009, 06:33 PM
I heard this on a friends mobile phone.

Ding, ding, dong. "Please place all small children in the bins provided. Thank you." :p

August 22nd, 2009, 03:00 AM
We are not sorry to announce that the next service to redhill has been canceled due to no train being sent, please have a miserable day.



August 22nd, 2009, 06:23 AM
Okay, I'll have a shot...

*Ding Dong* We regret to announce that the train to Redhill previously mentioned will be arriving at platform 1, however it is a loaded nuclear flask train. We appologise for this intentional mix-up. *Ding Dong*

August 22nd, 2009, 08:56 AM
Please note that the train previously mentioned arriving on platform 1 with the nuculear flask onboard, has now caught fire. Please leave the station via the only viable exit on platform one while recieving a deadly dose of radiation, turning into radioactive zombies, and infecting the entire human race. Thank you for travveling with First Great Western. Hope you have a wonderful day. Although please be aware thet the toilets on the train are now out of order due to being destroyed in the resulting nuclear explosion.

August 22nd, 2009, 09:12 AM
"Welcome abroad this South West Trains Service to Guildford. This train is currently delayed by 4 weeks due to the unit going on strike, passengers are advised to leave the train here as the train makes a run to the picket line at Clapham Junction, this is due to conditions and misuse of the Juniper fleet and the withdrawal of the Wessex Electric fleet. The door buttons are now deactivated. This was Aldershot, this train will not be calling at ASH, WANBROUGH or GUILDFORD."

August 22nd, 2009, 09:24 AM
WEN ,that sounds about right, I catch the train to guildford to go to school!

One from me:

Platform 4 for the charter service hauled by a class 33, calling at wherever the driver can get the cheapest coffee, and wherever else he feels like, we suggest you bring hiking boots because of the undecided destination of your journey.

Have a nice day :)

Updating my website


August 22nd, 2009, 09:55 AM
"Chimes sound" "welcome aboard this 0950 arriva trains wales service to manchester, it will not be calling at any stations since all the drivers are on strike over pay. If anyone wants to get to their destination, please enter the drivers cab to start the journey. Anyone with extensive knowlege with driving a class 175 on bve4 would be benifical"

August 22nd, 2009, 11:34 AM
One monday during the morning rush hour...

*Ding Dong* The next train is the 10:15 Southern Service to Brighton. You may notice that the striking Arriva drivers have blocked all pointwork with various class 150 DMUs and MK2 coaches. Please make your way to Paddington for the FGW service to Exeter, stopping at all stations.

August 22nd, 2009, 02:44 PM
*french station chimes* the train now approaching platform 2 is the 12:58 northern service from Manchester Picadilly to Sheffield Victoria via Woodhead; Calling at: Guide Bridge, Dinting, Woodhead, Penistone and Sheffield Victoria. Please note that due to the non-existence of the majority of the woodhead route, this train shall be terminating at Hadfield instead. A replacement bus service shall cover the remainder of the route (this should arrive in about 3 days).

In addition the only toilet available on this train is currently out of order, we apologise for any incovience this may cause.

If passesngers would desire to get to Sheffield today, then can they please proceed to platform 1 to bard the class 142 unit standing there.

Thank you for travelling with Northern, have a nice day.

August 22nd, 2009, 02:54 PM
*french station chimes again* attention ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry to announce that the class 142 mentioned in the last announcement actually left 5 minutes ago, as our watches are 10 minutes slow. we apologise for any inconvinience which this may cause.

also, customers may have noticed that the normal station chimes at Manchester Picadilly have been replaced with chimes used in France. This is part of an Goverment iniative to make your stay at Manchester Picadilly as annoying as possible.

We thank you for your cooperation in this matter and that you shall travel by train again in the future

August 22nd, 2009, 03:20 PM
At Falkirk High...

*Ding Dong* The long distance pacer service from Manchester Picadilly has called at platform 1, which for your information is the line from glasgow, and we're expecting an HST through from glasgow at 90mph, so we're afraid one unfortunate HST power car and a class 142 pacer has bitten the dust. And there goes my job...

August 23rd, 2009, 07:58 AM
*Ding dong again* We are sorry to inform that the ex-pacer unit that has called at platform 2 was misdirected by a drunk signalman and shouldn't have even been here, so you'll be happy that I'll be keeping my job.

*everyone at falkirk high moans*

*Ding dong once more* For your information the 19:45 Northern service to Sheffield Victoria is should be calling soon. We appologise for any inconvinience as this train should be bang on time!

Time now is 19:39...

August 23rd, 2009, 08:00 AM
Ding dong! "The train now standing at platform 4 left 20 minutes ago". :D


August 23rd, 2009, 11:48 AM
The train now arriving on platforms 3, 4 and 5 has been blown up.

August 23rd, 2009, 12:33 PM
Okay, since Glenethson blew the train up, I'll start a new one.

*Ding Dong* The next train is the semi-fast c2c service to Southend. We regret to inform you that the line is clear and we should be on time. Please leave all luggage on the platforms.

August 23rd, 2009, 05:20 PM
Attention passengers on platform 5, Please do not touch the train standing at platform 5 as you are likely to get an electric shock. Don't beleive me? Try it yourself.

August 27th, 2009, 07:33 AM
We do not appologise to say that there is a cat sleeping between rails at platform 4 so the next departure to London Fenchurch Street is cancelled. We don't want to wake it up do we?

August 27th, 2009, 03:23 PM
*Ding Dong* Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is a CrossCountry service to Penzance. Calling at; Stafford, Wolverhampton, Birmingham New Street, Birmingham International, Coventy, Bristol Parkway, Bristol Temple Meads, Plymouth and Penzance. Anyone who read our timetable and wanted to get off at and station that I haven't said is in no luck as I cant be bothered to stop anywhere else.

August 28th, 2009, 01:17 AM
Ding Dong those little chavs P***ing around on the rails please stay there so the 1012 service to Leeds can run you over.:D

August 28th, 2009, 01:21 AM
Ding Dong: Warning we have seen a terrorist. Hes standing at the end of platform 5. Hes wearing an anorak, a bobble hat and a pair of thick rimmed glasses. He is holding a notepad for writing down the details of trains so he can blow them up. There could be a bomb inside his camara.

August 28th, 2009, 06:48 AM
these are sound bites of the local ones - yes they are posted on youtube but voice announcements.

August 28th, 2009, 12:54 PM
Attention passengers, please do not look down as there is no gap.

August 28th, 2009, 02:07 PM
Which means your at a bus station you IDIOT!!

August 28th, 2009, 02:12 PM
Attention all passengers, due to a new health and safety law you are all now required to wear suits made of bubble wrap and not the small bubble wrap that the apples in Tesco are packed in but the proper industrial stuff. The stuff with the 1m diameter bubbles.
Also please note that the new round doors equipped on all trains are 99cm diameter.
Good Luck!

August 29th, 2009, 03:27 AM
This announcement has generated errors and will be closed by Windows.

August 29th, 2009, 04:58 AM
HAHA thats a good one.

This is big brother,
You are live in da house, please don't swear.:D

August 29th, 2009, 10:07 AM
This is big brother,
You are live in da house, please don't swear.:D
Big brother Trainshed.

*Ding Dong* This announcement has been delayed by 15 minutes due to overrunning engineering works on the Brighton Line. The next train is not cancelled, however the announcement is.

September 4th, 2009, 02:40 PM
Announcment on an atw valley train,
"Welcome aboard ladies and gentlemen, this is the 1835 out of cardiff central to Ebbw vale parkway. This train will be calling at Rogerstone, Risca and Pontymister, Crosskeys, Abercarn, Newbridge, Crumlin, Llanhilleth and Ebbw vale parkway. Passengers for Abercarn and Crumlin are to be aware of the gap between the train and line side as both stations and platforms at these station were demolished in 1962." :D

September 4th, 2009, 04:35 PM
*ding Dong* the train going to london, mosco, new york, and seattle, will now be ariving on track (platform) 12. please be careful as there there are 99999999 continuis tgv trains and we want you to be run over by them.

5 minutes later
*ding ding ding ding ding dong* The train to london, mosco, new york and seattle has been cancelled due to there being toilets and food on the train and not that there is no way to cross the ocean. WE HOPE YOU HAVE HAD A HORIBBLE DAY AND THAT THIS HAS MADE IT WORSE. good day.

September 4th, 2009, 04:38 PM
Ding Dong... This is your train manager speaking, will all passengers please be aware that this train terminates at the next station.
Would all passengers please make sure they have all their belongings with them when departing the train,
This includes old age pensioners and children, as they are very hard to sell on EBay :)

September 4th, 2009, 07:17 PM
continuation from my last post,
Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen, but the signaller has forgotten to switch the points for the ebbw vale line and we are now heading towards Machen. We are also sorry to announce that we have run out of fuel. A replacement coach has been dispatched for the rest of the journey but is not due to arrive for one month due to lack of drivers at the local stagecoach depot.

If you don't wish to wait one month for our replacement coach, please board the stone train which will be due in 3 days time and will stop at newport only.

September 5th, 2009, 05:33 PM
May we have your attention please. This announcement will be followed by a series of random farm animals sound effects for your convenience, we thank you for travelling to West Sussex and hope you enjoy your stay.

October 6th, 2009, 04:21 PM
Welcome to platform 9 3/4

The Hogwarts express is running late due to a magical battle to the death on the line.

If you would bear with us as we wait for it to finish and remove the dust of the looser

Thank you, and make sure all owl "leavings" are distributed in the appropriate manner.

November 3rd, 2009, 12:04 AM
*ding Dong* the train going to london, mosco, new york, and seattle, will now be ariving on track (platform) 12. please be careful as there there are 99999999 continuis tgv trains and we want you to be run over by them.

5 minutes later
*ding ding ding ding ding dong* The train to london, mosco, new york and seattle has been cancelled due to there being toilets and food on the train and not that there is no way to cross the ocean. WE HOPE YOU HAVE HAD A HORIBBLE DAY AND THAT THIS HAS MADE IT WORSE. good day.

this train has somehow gone missing if you have have seen it please burp 5 times, moo like a cow 10 times and get run over by a train 2 times, thank you for listining to this message and we hope you have the worst day ever by that crashed tgv train coming up next to you on the station at a couple hundred kiliometers per hour.

thank you and have a horrible day.

December 30th, 2009, 11:56 AM
my turn now!

"Ding dang dong" (Burp) Your Not Welcomed Aboard this Train To I don't know where because ive lost the map. all the food on this train is stored in the toilet and went out aabout last easter. Also We have a CD of people saying Please mind the gap over and over again. Thank You. please mind the gap please mind the gap please mind the gap.

December 30th, 2009, 12:33 PM
* Ding- dong * Please ensure all poodle and human 'droppings' are NOT distributed but thrown at the next passing desiro train, also, no trains will pass through here today :D

January 2nd, 2010, 12:54 PM
"Ding Dong" Bad Evening, Passengers. The 19:55 to Barnstaple will be arriving. When, we shall not say. We also have code red situation: the buffet car on the 19:40 to Penzance is out of beer, there is no cheese and the only sandwiches were ones prepared 20 years ago. No thank you for travelling with First Great Western.

February 24th, 2010, 04:55 PM
A selection...

Please leave cases and parcels unattended, anywhere on the station. Any unattended articles will be removed and sold.

The train now approaching platform -2 is the cancelled 0656 Southern service to Littlehampton. Please stand well away from the platform edge as the train passes non-stop to Havant.

February 24th, 2010, 07:36 PM
**Dingdong** Attention All amtrak acela passangers the 835 acela has been put down for maintanice and will be delay by a week we are not sorry for the delay, Sorry!!! **CLICK** (people start mobing the control room)

February 24th, 2010, 08:02 PM
*Ding dong* "Attention all passengers. The Special excursion train, UP #844, will be making a scheduled stop on platform 2. We request that you please not bother the crew members with stupid questions such as 'Is this train real?' 'Where does is pick up electricity?' and 'Why is it on fire?' The crew members will most likely throw flaming pieces of coal at you.

Also, would the man with the camera and the green jacket please get off of the tracks. The train is whistling for a reason."

February 25th, 2010, 03:30 AM
"attention passengers, i've just been informed that the timetable was re-written so that all express services will now make fifteen minute stops at wondabyne, so the driver and guard can catch their lunch for the day. Please note that the doors will remain locked for the duration of the stop, and departure times may vary, depending on how good at fishing the crew are."
"Thank you, and enjoy traveling Cityrail."

February 25th, 2010, 11:30 AM
The train now approaching platform -2 is the cancelled 0656 Southern service to Littlehampton. Please stand well away from the platform edge as the train passes non-stop to Havant.

Thats the sort of annoucement I need for when SOUTHERN cancels the 08:04 (Fishbourne Time) service from Brighton to Portsmouth Harbour. Its the only one which I can get in the morning, without being excessively late or excessively early.

February 25th, 2010, 02:31 PM
Thats the sort of annoucement I need for when SOUTHERN cancels the 08:04 (Fishbourne Time) service from Brighton to Portsmouth Harbour. Its the only one which I can get in the morning, without being excessively late or excessively early. I live in Chichester, and go to Portsmouth every morning! How strange!:eek: :o

Anyway, more announcements...

Welcome Aboard this First Great Western service to Bristol Temple Meads, calling at every single stop to Bristol Temple Meads. We are sorry to announce that there will be no catering service today, and that the only toilet on this train is broken. All doors are not opening due to a fault on this train. Thank You for travelling with First Great Western.

Just for WEN...

We are sorry to announce that the 08:04 Southern service to Portsmouth Harbour, has been cancelled. The next train has also been cancelled. This is due to (long pause...)

The next train from this platform will be the 10:14 Southern service to Portsmouth and Southsea.

Just couldn't resist...

February 26th, 2010, 01:08 PM
*Ding dong* Hello, passengers. Thomas The Tank engine *cough* will be stopping at platform 2, so feel free to jeer and spray grafiti over that blue *beep*. Anyways, the regular First Northwestern service will be arriving at the normal time of 15:51, so please get on it: I need a pay rise.

February 26th, 2010, 08:40 PM
(fuzz)(in a low voice)"...and could I get chili on that? Oh, wait,(a louder, announcing voice) Hello passengers, somehow, Big Boy number 4006 will pull into the station carrying 13,000 pounds of chickens, delaying the 5,6,7,8 and 9 o'clock daily passenger runs, also there will be a bomb on train #14, so please stay off that train, thank you". sorry if that was lame and bad, I'm not good at making funny things.

February 27th, 2010, 03:19 AM
As an alternative to my previous post:

"Good afternoon passengers, welcome aboard the 5:09 Gosford-Sydney Central service. This train will stop first station Point Clare, then all to Berowra, Hornsby, Strathfield and Sydney Central. Passengers for Wondabyne, please notify the guard of your attention to alight, then stand at the rear door and enjoy the view as we shoot through at 60km/h, regardless. Also note that short platforms at Tascott, Koolewong and Cowan may cause problems for the driver, after some retard removed the car location posts(1), so he has no idea where he should be."

(1) I have no idea what these things are called, how about you? Also, off-topic i know, does anyone know if these are available anywhere?

April 19th, 2010, 06:36 AM
After a trip to Wales, I bring new announcements!

Welcome Aboard. We will be callng at the following principal stations, Deganwy and Llandudno Junction. Please take a moment to read the safety notices in both English and Welsh, and if you are alighting at Deganwy, please inform the guard, who will ignore you and give you a penalty fare for travelling too far. Thank You.

Please stand well away from the edge of platform six. The approaching train is scheduled to stop at this station.

April 19th, 2010, 11:56 AM
From Six Flags in Arlington...

(in a REALY loud earpercing voice) Howdy Folks! And Welcome aboard! As a reminder, we would like to tell everyone to please hang your arms out of the train, so you can go home and show you mom you scars and/or now shorter limbs. Also, please throw whatever you like out the side of the train. Wether it be food, drink, trash, babies, diapers, and bad Boy friends or Girl Friends. How else do you think we find employes? Now if you look to your left, youll see the (dramatic 6 second pause) TEXAS GIANT! The laarggest...faassstessstt wooodeen rolli costa in the heer park! And if you look to your right......blah .....blah....blah....blah

April 19th, 2010, 01:35 PM
I had a good one this morning "Please note that this train is not in passenger use, if there are any passengers on this train, please leave the train now as the doors will soon close." as we trundle into Portsmouth & Southsea station.

April 19th, 2010, 02:34 PM
Good evening ladies and gentlemen the last train leaving for Wessex is departing in the next 40 minutes and What!!......., Charles what the hell are you doing to Sharah................?, nothing, yah nothing execpt your all over her on the desk. Take that junk some place else serious it not very helpful for my and my announcement. Um..., please disregard what I just said just prepare for boarding and have a good evening ( announcer hangs up)............................................... .................................................. ..

May 23rd, 2010, 08:00 AM
If you need voices for your announcements, I have a few 'friends' that would be happy to help out.

this link dont work ? any one that can help me

May 24th, 2010, 04:13 AM
After reading through and getting some inspiration, I'm going to make a couple of my own.....:hehe:

"Bing-Bing. The train arriving on Platform 3 is the First Great Western Plymouth service, running express to Bristol, then taking a side-stop to Cardiff, and for the sake of it, Llandudno as well. Also note that due to works in Birmingham Station, you will have to be bussed around it. FGW will not be held responsible for the lack of stopping services at the stations either side of Birmingham. Instead, forward complaints to the Scotrail Company even though they have nothing to do with anything we do. Good Day."

And this one I thought up.....

"Your Attention Please. This is the Caboolture train, stopping all stations to Caboolture, except for every station past Northgate as works have closed all the stations. Also note that even at top speed, Caboolture Station will be closed as well before we get there, so we will have to keep going until the electric wires run out. As the brakes on this hunk of junk are over 10 years past their replacement date, they may not work at the end of the electrified track and we probably will not stop until we hit Rockhampton. A coal train parked there will not be moving, so prepare to get covered in coal dust. Passengers are reminded to use the toilet before departure. Sadly you've missed your chance so either hold it in, or try to get it through the joint between the carriages, in full view of the passengers either side.
Queensland Rail is also putting Indians in charge of this train, so please try to understand the jibberish coming over the intercom. Thankyou for travelling with us"

Read and Enjoy.
Happy Trainzing,;)

May 24th, 2010, 05:18 AM
After a night of heavy drinking and while standing freezing, waiting for a train home at Edinburgh Haymarket, I heard this.

"Scotrail would like to apologise for a further delay to the late running Glasgow Queen Street service. We expect this train to depart Waverly in the next few minutes. Quite frankly, it's the biggest pantomime since Snow White".

Ironic given the amount of snow that was causing all the problems...

July 30th, 2010, 04:01 PM
East Midlands Trains, during christams time...

*Dong, Dong, Dong* Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to welcome you aboard this East Midlands Trains service to London St Pancras. Calling at, err, *ruffles of paper* dum de-de dum, erm, they haven't provided me with a sheet with the stations names on, so I think we are stopping at Loughbrourgh, although the platform isn't long enough, Leicester, Luton, that airportcarpark for Luton, and London St Pancras. There might be some other stations like Market, err, Habour, or maybe Habourer, I think. If we do go past you station without stopping, then call our custmer service line on, err, haven't got that one either. It'll probably be engaged with people doing the same as you. Just go online, it might help you even more with contacting us, if you can navigate the website. Please note that we will not be selling free champange in 1st class like the old and much better Midland Mainline did, instead it will be watered down Coffee branded 'Nottinghamshire Fresh Iced Tea'. This will not be served as most of our staff are on strike due to increased service over the Christmas Peroid. We are sorry for passenger having to wait an hour in order to board, cleaners were on strike and our bad timetable meant 1 train every 2 hours. We are also sorry for passenger incovience with what the train looks like, as we haven't had the money to change the livery from the much better looking Midand Mainline to the flower-power East Midlands Train livery, thanks to a poor and terrible service. And, if you'll excuse me, I'm going on strike. We hop you enjoy a hot and horrible journey with East Midlands Trains today. That is if I come back from being on strike.

Well, there's my one.


July 30th, 2010, 05:08 PM
"ding" Thank you for writing the Santa Fe Super Chef. Doors will be locked upon arriving at all stations and will be unlocked after the train departs all stations. Also, please remain seated until you show your ticket to a non ticket holder. Thank you again for joining us here a Santa Fe. "ding"


July 31st, 2010, 10:43 AM
*Ding Dong* This announcement failed to load. Thank you for using CMP. *Ding Dong*

August 15th, 2010, 11:54 PM
thank tou for riding the aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa service. now get off the %$#!@*^ platform b4 we make you!!:hehe:

August 20th, 2010, 05:47 PM
" attention passengers on platform 2, I am sorry but the 09:30 service to portsmouth harbour is on fire, alternative road transport will replace this service." (a couple of mins later) "attention passengers for the bus replacement service to portsmouth harbour, the replacement bus has now caught fire and so has the following replacement bus, thank you for travelling with first great western today.

August 20th, 2010, 06:49 PM
*bing ding bong* the continuous exploding train on plat 4 wil be coming to this platform in a few mins. we suggest that you get the heck out of here!*bing ding dong*:hehe:

August 20th, 2010, 08:57 PM
QR metrotrain: "Platform 4, your train is being hijacked by 12-year olds with guns, please do not evacuate and stay as close to the train as possible while RELIABLE security is shipped in from Adelaide."

September 23rd, 2010, 02:42 AM
This is a very special announcement. Please go out to the nearest gaming store and buy the first Train Simulator you see, and make sure it has an Auran logo on it. Oh, and by the way, the 10:18 running express from Knapford to Shining Time left 10 seconds ago. We are not sorry if you have missed it, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN KEEPING TIME!!!!!! The next train to Shining Time will be in an hour and will be stopping at Knapford, Wellsworth, Tidmouth, Vicarstown, Crovan's Gate and Brendam. And will be chased by an evil diesel that will attempt to destroy everyone on board, including the driver and fireman. Please enjoy your trip IF you can, and thank you for travelling with Random Railwayz, which is joint owned by Amtrak, British Rail and Queensland Railways. Qantas and Jetstar staff will be running all the trains from now on. If you know how to drive trains, please teach them, we have neither the time nor money to do it ourselves.

By the way, if you are killed or injured in any way, it is NOT OUR FAULT. We will NOT be paying any hospital fees you may encounter after the trip.

September 27th, 2010, 05:27 AM
*Strange, evil-sounding robotic voice*
The next train will be arriving in 2 minutes and is the special train running from I don't know where to I don't know where, on account of me destroying the map. I do not know when it will be departing either, because I destroyed the timetable. The clock was also destroyed by me a while ago, so I do not know what time it is, so I do not know if the train will be arriving in two minutes either. Also, you must Exterminate the next train you see. If any of the operators of Random Railwayz try to fire me, I will Exterminate them too.
For any complaints call 1300-exterminate-destroy-destroy, but beware, I might destroy you for complaining!

Oh, and who am I
I am a DALEK!
So run away before I exterminate and destroy everyone and take over the world!
Thanks for listening to this announcement.

October 1st, 2010, 09:04 PM
*zing boing*good evening, the driver of the train on platform 4 is currently ordering a deep fried big mac and chips at macdonalds. he may take a while as he is arguing with the counter lady. thankyou for travelling with us

October 2nd, 2010, 04:23 AM
Bing ding ding...


Foriegn voice in bad English... We are sorry for the delay of the 10:20 Virgin Service to Liverpool, but I do not start my shift until half an hour from now, and I am refusing to work the extra half hour as I will not be getting paid for it, I do appologise for the delay to this service, and thank you for travelling with Virgin Trains...

I actually heard this announcement earlier this year on Virgin Trains, Later on in the journey around Stafford, the anouncement had came over the tannoy, that they had ran out food, I will never forget my journey with Virgin Trains.

Forget the look of love, it's the look of hunger and tiredness that makes the journey worthwile...:hehe:

Joe Airtime

October 13th, 2010, 04:12 AM
"Attention all passengers. The First Great Western, which is now called the Last Bad Eastern, is cancelled. The replica of Iron Duke will be replacing this service today. Please prepare for a bumpy ride as the train will ride on the sleepers instead of the rails. On corners, please beware of oncoming trains, since we will not fit past them because the train is too wide. Anyone who wishes to take the bus should remember that it is very old and rusty, with an underpowered engine. Have a good day, and thank you for travelling with Random Railwayz."

October 13th, 2010, 06:32 PM
I had a real onboard announcement that made me chuckle when I got on my train at Ashford International one evening earlier this year.
It was a dividing service so we had the usual announcement:-

"This is Ashford International where this train will divide. The front 4 coaches will call at (all stations to Ramsgate via Dover) The rear 4 coaches will call at Wye, Canterbury West, Sturry, Minster and Ramsgate. Please ensure you travel in the correct part of the train. This is coach number 8 of 7"

Obviously the 4 + 3 formation had confused the poor old PIS which is used to a 4 + 4 on the service - even confused me momentarily!

October 13th, 2010, 10:16 PM
Welcome aboard the Silver Meteor, due to the budget cut for this specific train, the baggage car has been removed so you will now have to leave your luggage on the roof of the train. Thank you and have a great day!

November 12th, 2010, 01:28 AM
zizngzingzoingboing zing)
loooong pause
*drunk man is on intercom*

duh wat dis thing. uhhh oh i kno, its one o those knew talking devices
*sing a stupid song into intercom*
whaen i was a litlle boy.....
*someone short circuts the speaker*

January 11th, 2011, 07:43 PM

All passengers waiting for the 10:45 Amtrak service please be aware that your train is being replaced today. *passengers cheering* It will be replaced by The Titfield Thunderbolt, which will ensure a faster service. Also, the house-on-flat-wagon assembly that has been arranged for the carriage will be cleaner than other trains. *passengers still cheering*

1401 herself will be replacing the next MBTA service, and a generic double-chimney 9F will be replacing the Union Pacific's freight service, which will pass through in 10 minutes. *passengers cheering again* Thank you for travelling Random Railways, which owns all the American, British and Australian railway/road companies.

January 11th, 2011, 08:14 PM
Bing Bong Bing
Attention all passengers on Platforms 1&2 the dispatchers have a computer virus descriped as Auran Trainz so please evacuate the station to the nearest computer store to by this computer virus. Thank you for Riding with us today. on Amtrak international service.

(What The is that) said a angry passenger whos licking the thirdrail then boom as a TGV runs him over...LOL

February 6th, 2011, 02:16 PM
while not entirely fitting with the thread...

We're sorry the Download Station appears to be full. Please try your call again later."


February 6th, 2011, 02:31 PM
bing bong
This is the Southeastern Highspead train to St.Pancras International calling at Ashford International, Ebsfleet International, Stratford International and St.Pancras International. All the toilets are clogged, so hold it in or use the window!:hehe:

February 6th, 2011, 02:55 PM
Bing Bong...

"Trainz has encountered an error and is forced to close", all scheduled trains are cancelled, sorry about the inconv....

February 7th, 2011, 01:42 PM
Bingly Bangly Bongly bleep " The central trains service trying to leave platform 2 may or may not because the driver is tossing a coin over whether the brakes will turn off. This the 18:44 service to no where in paticular and stopping at anywhere the driver feels like. This could be, London Victoria, Milton Keynes, some stations in the middle of no-where or York. If the driver does not stop at your station arrange with your conducter to stop there. Oh no I have just heard that there will not be a conductor because we can not afford one. By the way, look at all the people on the 5-star luxury train leaving platform 3. Your seats will be made from paper in order to , most importantly, make you journey as uncomfortable as possible and to save money. Thank you once again for travelling on the noisy, uncomfortable and slow diesel we should of scrapped aes ago. Bye "

February 9th, 2011, 02:35 AM
Come on guys this a goood game plz answer

February 9th, 2011, 07:54 AM
'ding' Passengers should stay on the platform at all times until your train arrives. Standing on the railway track is prohibited and is classed as trespassing. You will be chased by the Fat Controller who yells 'this causes confusion and delay' at you if you do. Thank you.


February 9th, 2011, 09:35 AM
Ding ding ding. First Scotrail would like to apologise for the late running of the 10:30 London King's Cross to Aberdeen service. This is due to the train being diverted via Addis Ababa.

February 9th, 2011, 02:08 PM
'ding' The train from Ashton to Natsville has been cancelled due to a nasty accident caused by an idiot who forgot to put buffers at the end of the line. The families of those who have died in the accident will be contacted immediately. Thank you.


The train from Kent to Sussex has been delayed due to dewdrops on the line. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

February 9th, 2011, 04:51 PM
The 1042 train to Kings Cross is delayed by approximately 5 minutes due to the computer freezing near Newark.

This is a Safety announcement, any unattended baggage, belongings or children will be removed and maybe destroyed.

February 9th, 2011, 09:34 PM
Bing bong bing " due to the new Very High Speed Train service traveling near the speed of light the service will now be approximately 80 years late we are sorry for any inconvenience caused":D

February 9th, 2011, 10:59 PM
"Bing" The train coming this way has lost braking power:eek: please stay away from the platform thank you for you support of union lines

February 9th, 2011, 11:33 PM
"Bing Bong"- The Silver Streak will be arriving on track...err in the candy shop... errr in middle of the concourse... aww Forget it... "Bing Bong"

February 9th, 2011, 11:41 PM
Uhh, how about this?: :o :confused:

Ding!--Ding!--Ding!--"Attention Passengers: To-day is a steaming hot summer day. We have been alerted that the train will be passing by some gardens that have been composted with fresh horse apples. Please put on some dust masks to help aleviate the smell, as we are unable to shut down the air conditioners at this time. Thank you for your co-operation." :eek:

Enjoy this little fictional funny from me. :hehe: I think that some places really have used some sort of poo compost to compost small areas in real life around shopping centers, etc., and I will tell you, it stinks. :eek: :p ;)


February 19th, 2011, 12:19 PM
TTC station announcement:
"When the train arrives, please stand behind the yellow line. We're serious about your safety."
Question: What is ironic about the announcement?

April 1st, 2011, 07:51 PM
When you get a boofhead guard...

Auto Announcer: "The next station is Northgate...any passengers for the Shorncliffe line please change here.'
Guard: "Uhhh, passengers the next station is Lindum. The computer thinks it's 1982, so I assure you the next station is Lindum"

April 7th, 2011, 01:04 PM
Bells ->*Ding ding ding ding* - (rising in pitch). We are sorry to announce that the 10:30 southern service to Hastings is not delayed. We are sorry for any happiness this may bring you.

April 7th, 2011, 01:12 PM
This train is the 7:30 london midland service to, somewhere not in the London Midlands area. This train is calling at: Crewe, manchester, crewe again, manchester victoria, york, brighton, haymarket depot, shanklin, plymouth and cardiff. Passengers for york should alight at victoria as the station has been blown up when a class 455's third rail gear failed. (typical). Passengers for shanklin should join the first 5 coaches of the train. this is coach 10 of 1. The other 9 coaches fell of the forth bridge and are now operating un refurbished for northern. Anyway, the toilets are under the train if anyone needs them and a catering service is available on the roof.

Long winded i know :)

April 18th, 2011, 05:14 PM
Attention: The tram won't be stopping at the next 3 stops because the driver has to pee.

December 14th, 2011, 08:05 PM
Have a look at this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUGqT5QHMlA&feature=related It's not mine but it's funny!:hehe:

December 19th, 2011, 02:19 PM
*Bing Bong* Due To a fail with the Class 139, the 10:00 service will be the 10:10 express to Stourbridge Town. Please note that the first 15 cars of this bullet train will Not fit in any platform on this line. The service time is expected to be 00:00.30 seconds on the train, and 00:01.30 mins running to the front. That is all. *Bong Bing*
:hehe: Ahh England!:hehe:

February 5th, 2012, 04:37 AM
At Milton Keynes- Bing Bing Bong- "Virgin would like to apologise for the delays and cancellations caused by an ever so slightly de-railed class 90 unit at bletchley and about 100 men trying to weld a single set of points together. Please allow up to 200mins on all Virgin and London Midland services. Thank you"

February 5th, 2012, 07:31 AM
Attention, this is your driver, Steamdemon speaking. Due to snow on the rails, and the fact that the idiots at Network Rail haven't equipped the locomotive with snowploughs, the journey is cancelled. Sorry for the **** up.

Ooh, I have another one!

*usual 'ding dong' followed by the chicken dance theme* Attention. All services are cancelled due to Network Rail refusing to clear the snow from the railway tracks due to 'health and safety'. We have dispatched a very angry Fat Controller to yell at Network Rail for causing immense 'confusion and delay'. He will then proceed to bite their faces off. Again, we are sorry for the inconvenience.

February 11th, 2012, 12:57 AM
I can't seem to delete this post so please just ignore it.

February 11th, 2012, 05:56 AM
*bing bong*

Due to a slash in budget, all coaches on the Intercity at Platform 5 had to be scrapped. In order to deal with this issue, British Rail has rented some old planes, ripped the wings off and stuck some wheels to the bottom. We aren't sure if its what you wanted, but please enjoy the tiny feet space and the broken Aircon which now has three exciting options: "off", "off" and "you think its on but its really off". We'd apologise for this change in plan but the slash in budget means that I can say whatever the heck I want now due to a worker shortage.

Oh, and as for the idiot business guy on platform 3, I have your wallet. But please continue running around like a headless chicken trying to find it because so far its the most amusing thing I've seen for the past few weeks. If you want it back, please go and speak to the track works supervisor. After you've repaired six hundred miles of track, I'll give it back. Maybe then you wont lose it.

Thank you, and please have an enjoyable day.

*bing bong*

August 25th, 2012, 05:53 AM
At London Paddington

*dum dum dong*
Passengers for the delayed 13:45 First Great Western Service to Penzance, please make your way to Platform 5 to board your train. We are not sorry for the 3 hour delay, as it's your fault for holding us up at the complaint's office. You will notice that instead of the usual HST, we have replaced this service with a Class 150, that should really be operating the 14:41 Bristol to Penzance service. We know the ammount of passengers expecting to board this train is too much for it to cope, but due to a lack of funding we are unable to use a HST. Why do we have a lack of funding you may ask, since we charge you so much for your tickets? It is because, once again, we are bidding stupid ammounts of money to win the contract for ANOTHER part of Britain's railways. If you are unable to board this train, then it's your fault for not being at the front of the que. Those who do make it on, we will be departing in 5 minutes, and will be calling at all stations on route, and my even take a detour to Torquay, and maybe down one the Cornish branchlines to spice up your journey. Oh, and because we have very little money, we were unable to hire a cleaner for this service, so you can only begin to guess what that puddle in the corner is. There is no first class seating on board this train, nor any reservations, so tough luck if you paid extra. Please note that due to the overcrowded nature of this service, you will not be able to move for the next few hours. If you do have any comments on our service today, please report them to our customer services. If you would like some money off your next journey with us, then why not send your complaints to Virgin Trains to rub in the fact that we beat them in the bidding for the WCML. Thank you for riding with us, and good luck in enjoying your journey :)

Hope this is ok!

August 25th, 2012, 05:59 AM
Just one extra...

At Tonbridge Station

*dum ding ding ding*
We are sorry to announce that the 15:36 train from Redhill to Tonbirdge has been cancelled. Actually, we just forgot to send a train for this service as no one uses it and it's a waste of money in our eyes. If you do require a service from Tonbridge to Redhill, then get in your bloudy car and drive yourself there. It'll probably be cheaper anyway...

You should also thank us for not providing a bus service, as it would take the stupid route along country lanes and across farmland instead of the M25 and M23.
*dum ding ding ding*

August 25th, 2012, 07:21 AM
Bing Bong: 'The train standing on Platform Four, should actually be standing on the railway track. North West Trains would like to apologise for the inconvenience this caused to passengers who were themselves standing on Platform Four when this train arrived; we would like to reassure them that we will attempt to get the train off Platform Four, and back onto the railway tracks as soon as possible. In the meantime, there is a replacement bus service on the pavement outside the statio.. oh crap, I can see a pattern forming here.'

Bing Bong: Passengers awaiting the arrival of the 17:15 Virgin Pendolino Manchester Piccadilly to London Euston service, should be advised that, in preparation for the changeover to this train being operated by First Group, the service will now comprise of fourteen Class 142 Pacer Railbusses all coupled together, with a Deltic at the front, and with 'Pendolino' written in crayon on the side of it. Passengers are advised that if they do not have a valid ticket for the journey and they board this train, they will be forced to buy a 'Standard Fare Ticket', which is now 3.9 Billion Pounds as a matter of necessity.'


August 25th, 2012, 10:42 AM
*bing-bong* As you leave the train, please watch the gap between my intelligence and yours.

August 26th, 2012, 06:29 PM
Welcome aboard amtrak's empire builder. We do not have a driver on board the train, so if you are a Trainzer, please come forward to the cab. I repeat, if you are a trainzer, please come forward to the cab. Also we would like to notify you that the only working toilet is in the coach that will be set out at minneapolis, so there will be no toilets beyond minneapolis. We will have attendants stationed at each door so you can go, however.

January 4th, 2013, 06:08 PM
Not realistic, but...

* On board a train*
Dum Dum Dom... "Ladies and Gentlemen, please note that due to Content Manager crashing half way through the download of this route, we will shortly be derailing. Passengers should be reminded that Trainz's unrealistic crash physics mean that the train will always stay upright and you will be unhurt. However, please do not attempt to leave the train after we have fallen off the baseboard and continue to float for some reason, as you may define Trainz physics and fall forever. If you have any comments on your service after the crash, please put it in to an error report and we will then crash the game for the user the read and get angry about. Have a nice day!

January 4th, 2013, 06:36 PM
"CityRail Chime" Attention Passengers all train services are cancelled for today because our entire staff has gone off to McDonalds:hehe::hehe: We are sorry for the inconvenience!

January 4th, 2013, 10:20 PM
Welcome aboard train number 8. Our nice Superliner cars derailed in the washer, so we have something special for you today: 20 boxcars pulled by a 44 tonner!

January 5th, 2013, 06:06 AM

The train has left the station

March 16th, 2013, 01:05 PM
*ding dong* I regret to inform you that due to a slow moving tesco's locomotive (no joke, they do use the railways.) You won't be getting horseburgers. Wait. That's good right? (Less CO2 my backside!)

March 16th, 2013, 09:20 PM
ATTENTION B... N ... S.... F P A S S A N G E R S A W A I T I N G BNSF 1332 OUTBOUND DUE TO ARIVE AURORA AT 11:05 AM , IS 2 HOURS LATE DUE TO MECHANICAL FAILURES (says the announcement at 1:30... i guess the train stalled on a switch)

June 13th, 2013, 10:23 AM
I dunno, I had this one the other day whilst travelling from St Pancras to Bedford on a 377/5:


This train is the First Capital Connect service to Bedford, calling at: West Hampstead Thameslink, St Albans, Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden.... *Buzz* <Driver restarts PIS>

At the same time the LED board said:

This train is the First Capital Connect service to Bedford, calling at: West Hampstead Thameslink, St Albans, Har <*Random distorted lines*>... <Driver restarts PIS> Electrostar... This train is the First Capital Connect service to Bedford, calling at: West Hampstead Thameslink, St Albans, Harpenden, Luton...... and Bedford. This is coach 11 of 8

I must say, 377/5s have a tendency to forget how many carriages they have, especially in 12 car formations. 4 times now I've had the "This is coach <some number between 9 and 12> of 8... :hehe:

June 13th, 2013, 10:45 AM
Saw this on an SWT 450 Desironot today

Welcome aboard the 16:## SWT Trains service to Windsor and Eton Riverside. Calling at @@@@@@@@ and Windsor and Eton Riverside. ################################################## ######@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Siemens Desiro Siemens Desiro. Driver notices something wrong:
Bing Bong (In embarrassed voice) "I do apologise for the technical hitch. These new-fangled trains are a bit batty sometimes. *Forgets to put receiver down* I wish I still worked on those slam door trains. Those were the days grumble grumble.*Finally puts receiver down* Meanwhile I am on the floor laughing. Later the driver stands on the platform, red in the face apologising for his rant.

June 13th, 2013, 07:16 PM
"Now hear this: Train #4, the Wabash Cannonball. Dock Junction, Peru, Eulonia, Eddington, Champange, Laffyette, Ft. Wayne and Detroit. Train for Detroit and points east, now arriving. Your attention please, persons accompanying passengers, please refrain from boarding the train because of limited time at Delmar Station." *forgets to put receiver down* gahh when will the put a doggone notice up for these people accompanying passengers? *goes into randomly occurring and general grumbling rant* *someone throws a rock through the window* *the stationmaster hurriedly hangs up the receiver in embarrassment and two days later publicly apologizes for the rant*

October 17th, 2014, 05:08 PM
Well I'm waiting for T:ANE, I might as well have a go:
"All passengers boarding the 12:50 to Brighton from barrow, please board the horse drawn carriage on track 12, I repeat, all 12:50 passengers board the horse drawn carriage * announcer forgets to turn it off* hmm, now lets see, that's the last train for my job, scratch that, that was the 1982 maximum, 2000 more to go, not like there going to be on time...

February 24th, 2016, 11:15 AM
The traaaaain at platform 6 is to Gatwick only. This train is not calling at stations but will call at signals!