Railroad humor

[Gary_Evans]

Following a sugestion by Ed Wells (Euphod), I am starting a thread for railroad humor. Feel free to contribute.
I will start the thread with some squawk sheet classics. Squawk sheets are the notes train crews leave to inform shop crews what is in need of repairs. These were posted previously in the screen shots section but I am putting them here for those who might have missed the earlier posting.
(Train crew) Dynamic brakes don't work at any speed.
(Shop crew) This locomotive is not equipped with dynamic brakes.
(Train crew) Something loose in cab.
(Shop crew) Something tightened in cab.
(Train crew) Evidence of leak in crankcase.
(Shop crew) Evidence removed.
(Train crew) Alternator volume unbelievably loud.
(Shop crew) Volume set to more believable level.
(Train crew) Locomotive dances up and down when brake applied at 89MPH.
(Shop crew) Could not reproduce problem in enginehouse.
(Train crew) Dead bugs on windshield.
(Shop crew) Live bugs on order.
(Train crew) Parking brake causes throttle lever to stick.
(Shop crew) That's what its there for.
(Train crew) Engine missing.
(Shop crew) Engine found under hood after brief search.
(Train crew) Locomotive handles funny.
(Shop crew) Locomotive given verbal warning to be serious.
(Train crew) Radio hums.
(Shop crew) Reprogrammed radio with the words.
(Train crew) The tiolet on this engine doesn't work.
(Shop crew) Pee Yew. It sure didn't work.

 

[Euphod]

Wow! I'm honored that Gary Evans (Gary Evans) would take up my suggestion, so the least I can do is add to his thread:


In the early 20th century, there were many coal mines in the Canadian Rockies, including some in what is now Banff National Park.

On Saturday nights, many miners would ride into Banff and have a cup of tea or glass of lemonade, or just possibly, something stronger.
One Saturday, an inebriated miner missed the last train home. He wandered across to the yard, found an engine in steam, backed it out onto the main line, and drove it to his mine, stopped it, went to the bunk-house, and fell asleep.
He was charged with "theft of a locomotive" by the Canadian Pacific Rly., but he couldn't remember a thing about it.
The trial went like this:
Defense counsel: Was the engine on CPR property before my client moved it?

CPR: Yes.​

Def: Was it on CPR tracks when he left it?

CPR: Yes.​

Def: Did it at any time leave CPR tracks?

CPR: No.​

Def: Then where is the theft? Magistrate: Case dismissed.


If Only it were that easy today!

 

[Iced8383]

In the shops...

Engineer: Are my engines ready yet?
Shop Crew: Which ones, the locomotive or the engine inside the locomotive?
Engineer: The locomotive.
Shop Crew: About 1 more hour.
Shop Crew: Hold on, one of our mechanics just encountered an AC problem.
Engineer: The AC Traction or the air conditioner?
Shop Crew: The Air Conditioner.

 

[Gary_Evans]

A woman called the Amtrak staion in Washington D.C. and asked, "Can I get to Pepsi cola on a computer train?"
"I think you want to get to Pennsacola on a commuter train," the agent explained.
"Whatever," the woman replied.

 

[picture]

This is not mine:
A rookie brakeman is out, late one night, on his first trip. The head brakeman tells him to set the brakes on a car, so he puts his lantern on the ground and climbs to the top of the car.

"Hey," yells the head brakie, "what's the matter with you! You don't ever leave your lamp sitting on the ground," and he tosses the lantern up to the rookie.
Meanwhile, the engineer and the fireman are sitting in the nice, warm engine cab 30 cars away. The fireman calls the hogger over. "You'll never believe what I just saw," he says. "That brakeman stood flat footed on the ground and jumped to the top of that car there, and he had his lantern with him!"

 

[illinoiscentral]

Here is mine.

Now folks this here is real idiocy by your truly...Me.
Last summer I was sitting at the Wabash Depot in downtown Monticello Illinois, our train had just stopped and I was ready to head to Hardee's for my lunch. Real quick I asked Tom (engineer), 'Tom, which side of the wye do you guys use? I've heard one side of it is a little rough." Tom replied, "Well, thats a silly question." "Why?!" "A wye is two sided for a reason!" Suddenly it hit me like lightning. Duh. I believe you all know of course in order to turn a train around you must use both sides. I was rather embarrassed.

 

[bhumpf]

the old ones are the best

Do ghost trains stop at manifestations?

 

[Gary_Evans]

A trains fan was walking along the tracks when he came across an old lantern covered with ash and dirt. When he picked up the lantern and began cleaning it, naturally, a genie suddenly appeared. "Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish," the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineers hat announced.
"I thought genies always granted three wishes," the trains fan said.
"Those are the lamp and bottle guys," the apparition explained.
The train fan nodded his understanding.
"Okay then lets have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes."
The train fan quickly replied, "I would like a railroad built to Hawaii."
The genie stared at the train fan and shook his head. "That's nearly impossible," he stated. "How about something else?"
The train fan thought a moment and said, "I wish all the Amtrak trains would run on schedule."
The genie rolled his eyes. "About that Hawaii thing. Let's skip sidings and go for double tracks from Honolulu to LA. I assume you want diesel power."